An Offer No One Refused

The Bongfather - pic by RS.

From The Rottmouth & Boner Studio

Setting: Early June of 2011 at La Cosa Bullybong.

A menthol haze drifts below a coffered ceiling that hovers over a mahogany table surrounded by men about burdensome business. The dim room accentuates the solemn anxiety being stifled within heavily pulsing bodies. The hierarchy of the Bullybong family has called a meeting with Captains from the various families within The Industry. The intent of the meeting remains unknown to the soldiers of the Reily family, the Smith family, the Cornhole family, the Carroll family and the Baker family. Don Nude sits luxuriously at the center of the banquet table in his leather chair while Consigliere Stapelborg stands at his right hand. The low murmurs migrating through the room are abruptly terminated as Don Nude clears his throat to speak…

*ahem*

Don Nude: Andy Irons is dead. Rest in Peace. *crossing himself* So is Phillip Tattaglia. Munga Barry. Stracci. And Rocky of the Occhilupo family. But I don’t care about them. I care only about the Irons’ affair. Today I settle all family business so don’t bother telling me that any of you are innocent. *lights a cigar*

Stapelborg: *leans in and whispers into Nude’s ear* Boss, the coroner’s results have been released. What we have always known is now public knowledge.

Don Nude: Indeed. I have gathered you here, my made men, to reward you for your faithfulness to The Family. My offer to you… was not refused. I cannot speak for Don McNite or Don Cuntet, but they are not directly affected by this… *scratching underside of his chin* this… ehhh unfortunate circumstance. However, on behalf of La Cosa Bullybong, I would like to offer my heartfelt gratitude for keeping your allegiance to The Family, bound by the blood oath you all took many years ago. Know this, gentlemen: blood would have been shed in quarts, rather than drops, should anyone have broken this allegiance. Yet silence, by any means necessary, was maintained.

Capo Cornhole: The blood oath asks that we never raise our pens against a fellow family member. That we carry out orders from The Boss, The Underboss or Consigliere without question. And La Cosa Bullybong comes before anything and everything in our lives.  

Capo’s Carroll, Baker, Reily and Smith: Here here! Salute a cent’anno! *raising glasses of Sangiovese*

Capo Carroll: *caterpillars furrowing along his brow* Don Nude… with respect, we have gone through great lengths to keep any family truths bound within this circle. In fact, I was flanked by my fellow Capo Baker and newly made man Maury Cole in the Sarge War as we were besieged at Australia’s Surfing Life. We had a little argument but we straightened it out. Badda-boom, badda-bing.

Stapelborg: But Captain Carroll, you did slip up and admit what you found out about Sarge was, and I quote: “appalling.” And THAT is a matter we shall not speak of again, shall we?

Don Nude: Quite right. The Sarge situation has been disposed of in the trunk of my Cadillac. Before we speak of due compensation for accepting my offer, we need to discuss something serious. Narcotics-testing is becoming a political issue for The Family and we need to nip it in the bud, so to speak. I need you to tell me just what drugs our soldiers and associates are taking so we can mask them before the tests are in place. Be honest.

Capo Reily: Coke.

Capo Cornhole: Speed and Ecstasy.

Capo Smith: Crystal Meth.

Capo Cornhole: Don’t do drugs.

Capo Carroll: Heroin and Morphine.

Capo Baker: Is Red Bull® legal?

Capo Cornhole: Don’t do drugs.

Don Nude: *barely visible behind a cloud of cigar smoke* Okay. Alright. Jeeesus. That’s an impressive list. I appreciate the loyalty and honesty which you have shown. *motioning to Stapelborg – lowering his voice* Let President Carr and Senator’s Hickel and Prodan know we have a list and we’re handling the matter within our own house.

Stapelborg: Done, boss.

Don Nude: So, let us get back to the topic at hand. For your protection and allegiance I would now like to present each of you with your ransom. Please… when I call you name, step forward. *pause – holds up an envelope* Captain Reily. *grabs a Twinkie and begins eating it slowly*

Capo Reily: *stepping out of the shadows* Yes, Don Nude and Consigliere Stapelborg?

Don Nude: Capo Reily, you are a man of respect. A man of intelligence. A man I can depend on. You interviewed Mr. Irons just days before he passed away for STAB Magazine. Graciously, you mentioned nothing about any illness or narcotics and avoided any allusions to behavior that may harm La Cosa Bullybong. I do not know, nor do I want to know, if you had anything to do with squelching Don MacIntush’s questions at STAB in the latest Bruce Interview… but whatever the case may be, they have my full and undivided approval. And for your deeds, I am bestowing you with a small sum of cash that will help you finally start your beloved family’s website. *hands envelope to Consigliere Stapelborg who hands the reward to Reily*

Capo Reily: Salute! I pledge my never-ending loyalty. *bows*

*a bespectacled waiter waddles into the room bearing various pasta dishes and more wine bottles*

Don Nude: *motioning Cpt. Reily back to the shadows* Captain Cornhole. *a thick tongue darts out from Nude’s lips, seeking any stray Twinkie crumbs*

Stapelborg: Waiter! Leave that food alone. Get your fat little sausage fingers off the antipasta spread.

Capo Baker: *whispering under his breath* Isn’t that Chris, one of the Associate underlings from the Coté family?

Don Nude: I told you before Mr. Coté, you can have some AFTER we have finished.

Waiter: Yes sir, Boss. I’ll take the seconds. I apologize. No disrespect, sir.

*Mr. Coté wobbles forlornly out of the room as he’s silently heckled by the leering eyes of Capo Cornhole*

Capo Cornhole: *sheepishly stepping forward* Yes, Don and Consigliere?

Don Nude: Capo Cornhole, you have spent the last year keeping quiet about this whole… *pauses while scratching underside of his chin* this… ehhhh… this little misunderstanding. When pushed by some nosy civilians, you defended The Family with this brilliant piece in Surfing Magazine. *holds up a large manila envelope* For your willing obfuscations, and going so far as denying that you are a journalist so you could absolve yourself of this little… *ahem*… affair, I salute you with this portrait of “St. Peter Denying Christ” by Caravaggio. *points to associate’s in the corner holding a wrapped package* And the TMZ mention? Brilliant work.

Capo Cornhole: I do not deserve such generosity. But I will continue to serve La Cosa Bullybong faithfully. *bows*

Don Nude: *flicking his wrist* Captain Smith.

Capo Smith: *waving hands wildly while jumping up and down* Right here Boss!

Stapelborg: Capo Smith, show some respect! *rubs his gloved hands together*

Don Nude: My dear Capo Smith. Your drama and overbearing attempts at satire and homosexual innuendo have been very taxing on The Family. And the fact that you referred to us in public as a familia is a little… ehhhh… inconvenient. *Stapelborg begins toying with a roll of gaffa tape* Nevertheless, you used the battlefield at Surfing Magazine to defend The Family well. Putting The Family first and foremost is the foundation… the bedrock of La Cosa Bullybong’s strength. *pulls out a small envelope* For your allegiance, I have a script from Michael Bay’s latest film called “Blowing The Fuck Out Of Shit,” that casts you as the leading man… I made a few calls to some guys who know some guys in Hollywood. *hands envelope to Stapelborg who hands it to Captain Smith*

Capo Smith: *weeping* O… M… Geeeeee!! OMG, OMG, OMGeeeee!!! What can I say? What can I do? What do I do? OMG!!!!

Don Nude: *standing up* YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!! Whatsa matter with you? *sitting back down* If it wasn’t for my sentimental weakness for members of The Family, you’d be sleeping with the Fishtales. Now, go get your shine box Charlie, quit crying like a little girl you dumb-wit, and go on… get out of here.

Stapelborg: *motions to associates at the door to escort Capo Smith past the piles of white powder on the tables next to the pasta and out the back door*

Don Nude: Captain Carroll.

Capo Carroll: *steps out from his standing position under the table and wipes beads of sweat from his bald pate* Yes sir?

Don Nude: You have been The Family’s most loyal Capo for many years. You have stood by La Cosa Bullybong as we added the Von Zipper family, the RCVA family, and the Nixon family through various marriages. You’ve lived through many battles with civilian outsiders trying to expose our… ehhhh… how you say… our business enterprises. For your extreme loyalty… *pulls an envelope out of his suit jacket*… I am giving you the coveted Underboss bracelet.

Stapelborg: Now wait just a minute there Don Nude! That means this Capo pulls rank on me. I was next in line as Underboss – having been your faithful Consigliere for years. I was instrumental in ignoring Andy’s health problems and making sure kids thought he was just hyperactive. I was the one who came up with the words “Den Gay Fever” fer chrissakes!!

Capo Carroll: *glaring up at Stapelborg* With all due respect Consigliere, I have been blowing off the ASP’s affiliation with the World Anti-Doping Agency and making condescending comments about people who are outside The Family longer than you. I can handle things! I’m smart! Not like everybody says… like dumb… I’m smart and I want respect! Who has been the one prowling internet forums into the wee hours of dawn, seeking dissent, and devouring them like the buggers they are? It was I who led the charge that saw Samuels, Nug and…

Stapelborg: What about Shearer? Or Rottmouth? Huh??

Capo Carroll: *baring his yellowed rat’s teeth* Shearer? Do you think it’s a coincidence that no one can find his columns? And Rottmouth only has twenty readers and five people commenting with twenty-seven different aliases. He’s only got 375 followers on Twitter®. He’s a fucking joke! He’s not funny or clever.

Stapelborg: Oh sure Carroll, if it wasn’t for you riding the coat tails of your paisan brother, you’d be working at the Newport Arms as a line cook! Do you know a SINGLE person who thinks you’re a good writer? You’re a medically classified midget, Capo!

Don Nude: *standing in a cloud of smoke* Silence! The decision is made. In addition to this fluff piece at ASL being held back until seven months after the ehhhh… unfortunate… ehhh… incident, Capo Carroll’s illustrious familial history goes back to royal bloodlines. We must honor World Champion bloodlines. You, my dear Stapelborg, will remain in power as our Consigliere… unless you feel disrespected… by ME? *raising single eyebrow*

Stapelborg: *rubbing gloved fists furiously* No sir. No Don Nude. No disrespect. None at all.

Don Nude: Good. Finally, we come to you, Captain Baker.

Capo Baker: *reluctantly steps into the light, head bowed* Yes Don Nude?

Don Nude: Capo Baker, you are an enigma to me. Your bullet casings were found throughout the Sarge War at ASL mentioned by new Underboss Carroll. No doubt, you represented The Family well there. I admire the shots you fired at Fred Pawle’s back. I assumed you were destined to move up the ranks and one day rise to Consigliere yourself. Unfortunately, back when Amy Winehouse was still popular, and alive, you penned something, ehhhh… peculiar at Kurungabaa, that easily may have been mistook for disrespect. And that is why I had Consigliere Stapelborg visit your place with a bat that evening in 2009. Since then… I think you and I have seen eye to eye on the… ehhh… the *pauses while scratching the underside of his chin* … the business of La Cosa Bullybong. You proved your mettle once the unfortunate incident with Andy happened when you only had these important words to say. Very commendable.

Capo Baker: I thank you sir. It was most convenient that my inspiration to write dried up at that time, and I was far too busy ghost-writing to tackle such a damaging, yet important subject.

Don Naude: Yes. And that ‘tell-all’ book with Soldier Mark from the Occhilupo family where you failed to mention that ehhh… that… ehhh, how shall we say… that thing we spoke about was brilliant. “Mum” is the word, is it not? *chortles as smoke bellows through his nostrils*

Capo Baker: I thank you sir. I am truly humbled.

Don Nude: *holding up his hand* And yet, I need one more thing from you. An act proving extreme loyalty to The Family. Blood. Ehhhh, you understand, no? To recompense for your little miscalculation at Kurungabaa.

Capo Baker: *nodding* Anything, Don Nude.

Don Naude: I need you to carry out one last hit for us. *grabs Baker by the shoulder, lowers his voice* There is a guy. You may know this guy. He’s a little ehhh… how you say… troublesome to La Cosa Bullybong. He’s asking too many questions and eventually this drug thing may bite us in the ass, you see? The other Dons have confided their concerns with this unmade man as well and have signed off on this hit. His name is Melekian.

Capo Baker: *blood draining from his face* I understand sir. Consider it done.

And scene.

312 Responses to “An Offer No One Refused”

  1. davo's liver Says:

    One slip up. Timing is everything.

  2. Wow, it’s almost as if you had experience writing scripts!

    Poor Melekian and the offer he can’t refuse…. Max will be delighted.

  3. An interested Martin Scorcese Says:

    I was just thinkin….

    if we shoot this movie, where in the hell will we find enough ugly people to star as Nude, Stapledbruger and Corrall?

    And who is this Rottmouth fellow anyway? I can’t find his phone number on the paramount listings.

  4. Fake Marks Cock Ring Says:

    FUCK THIS SHIT BREW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO READ ALL THIS OVER A BLACKBERRY WITH LOOKY LOUS KICKIN ALL MY TIRES WITH THAT PORTEUGESE PIECE OF CRAP SALESMAN TRYING TO STEAL ALL MY LEADS GONNNA PUNCH HIS LIGHTS OUT ONCE I GET THAT FIRST BONUS CAUSE I HATE PORTUEGESE SAUSAGE IN MC DONALD’S OAHU BREAKFASTS WHEN THE MAINLAND SAUSAGE IS PERFECTLY FINE FOR ME CAUSE I LOVE SAUSAGE AND THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE SAUSAGES CAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF BEFORE MY BELLY GOT TOO BIG TO SEE A SAUSAGE ANYTIME AND THIS FUCKIN HELMET ALWAYS GOES OVER MY EYES AS I LOOK DOWN AND PULL THE FOLDS BACK TO SEE THE COCKTAIL FRANK THAT NEVER SEEMS TO WAKE ME UP ANYMORE NOW THAT EDDIE IS BACK ON THE MAINLAND AND NOT HANGING WITH DADDY WHICH SUCKS SHIT COZ EVERYONE ON THE NORTH SHORE THINKS EDDIE IS THE BOMB DOG EXCEPT CHRIS WHO BETTER WATCH HIS STEP IF I EVER INVITE HIM TO STAY OVER HERE THA TFUCKIN KOOK CAN’T SURF ANYWAY AND WHAT HE’S GONNA BOGART ALL MY COKE LIKE ITS HIS MIRROR AND THEN I’LL HID MY BEERS WHEN HE RUNS OUT CAUSE ITS NOT COOL FOR MAINLAND KOOKS TO BE SUCH SPONGES HAH HAH THAT IS RIGHT YOUR A SPONGE SEAMAN STAINES AND EVERYONE YOU KNOW IS WORSE!!!!!!!!

  5. V E R Y Well Done Don….

  6. davo's liver Says:

    You can come hide out here Brew, none of those fuckers will get past the dogs.

  7. There’s a fine line between rugged and crackhead, and Nick Carrol’s been toeing it for years.

  8. Fake Marks Cock Ring Says:

    ALL YOU BARNIEYS ARE SO SMUG BUT CAPO CARROLL JUST LAID IT DOWN PUNKS THAT YOUR SO STUPID THAT SHEAREN PENS HIS SINICAL STUFF ON OBSCURE FUCKIN AUSSIE WEDBSITES CAUSE HE KNOWS THAT WE WONT READ EM TO MAKE FUN OF HIM COZ HE SUCKS BREWS BALLS LIKE A FUCKING LOLLYPOP OR SOMTHING THAT GETS IN MY TEETH AND I TRY TO POKE IT OUT BTU MY FINGERS ARE TOO FAT TO MAKE ANY BETTER AND THE SUGAR IS HIDING IN THE CRACKS SO ITS EASEIR IN THE SPACES WHERE I LOST TEETH TO THAT ONE CHINESE FUCK AT WINDWARD KEA WHO MADE THE RONG CHOICE OF STEALING GERRY LOPEZ AS A CLIENT AFTER I DROPED PIPE MASTER OFF AT THE FINANCE MANAGER BOY IS HE A PRICK BUT FUCK THAT ANYWAY BECAUSE I FINALLY FINNISHED READING THIS MOVIE AND YOU KNOW WAT FUCKIN BREW HAD BETTER FIND A NEW CAREAR OR HELL END UP LIKE SHEAREN WRITIN TO NOBODY THAT CAN READ IN OZ WHILE IM RULING THE BLOGS WITH LEGENDARY COMMENTS AND INSITES FROM TEH PRO TOUR IN NORTH SHORE YEAH FUCK YEAH

    SCOREBOARD BITCHES. PAUL NAUDE AND GRAMP STABLEBURGER RULES YOU PATHETIC WINEE BITCHES WHO THINK BILLABONG IS JUST ANOTHER LABEL WHEN IT DID HIDE ANDYS ADDICTIONS AND THEN ENABLED THEM WHEIL PROTENDING TO NEVER NO BUT THEY DID AND YOU FUCKS CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

    WORD

  9. I love Baker accepting his praise for bearding occy….

    were you in that room bREw or did you create this?

    (theatre applause)

  10. Anonymous Says:

    Rotty, you have actualy seen the Little Red Riding Hood movie?
    I mean Amanda is pretty hot but……

  11. Anonymous Says:

    Angry Mark is fucking funny. Keep it up.

  12. FAKe Marks Cock Ring Says:

    OH FUCK YOU HIPPY DIRTBAG MIKE FLOWER FAG WHO IS HALF GAY AND 100% LAME YU PILE OF CONDESENDING HATER WHO THINKS YOUR SO COOL CAUSE YOUR NOT AND WE ALL KNOW SHANE O IS WAY COOLER THAN YOU BUT WAY LAMER THAN ME SO DO THE MATH SMELLY LONGHAIRED TROLL MAKING FUN OF BAKER WHEN HE WAS THE ONE WHO WROTE THE FANNING BOOK AND THAT WASN’T SOME FLUFF PEICE BUT JOURNALISM KOOK THAT YOUD NEVER UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOUR SO FULL OF YOUR SELF AND THOSE PAPER THINS 6 FOOT CHILDRENS BOARDS WHEN YOU AND EVERY BITCH ON THIS SITE INCLUDING JJ KNOWS THAT REAL MEN CARRY THERE BORDS TO THE SHORE ON TRAILORS CAUSE IF YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE ME OR JBG YOUR NOT GONNA GET IT DONE IN QUATLITY SURF NOT LIKE THOSE WEAK ASS COSTA RICAN FUNBOARDING TRIPS THA YOU BRAG ABOUT LIKE A BIG ME SO THAT DAVOS LIVE R THINKS YOUR KOOL GUY WHEN WE KNOW THAT IM FUCKING OWN ALL YOUR ASSES WHEN THE REAL SEASON STARTS AND I SAVE UP 3 GRAND FOR A SWEET RAWSON SUP WITHOUT A PADDLE I’LL SHO YOU CLOWNS FOR SURE.

  13. Hey Fake Marks Cock Ring….

    Better take off that helmet cause if you have an aneurism, they won’t be able to pull that thing off your melon.

    And it’s only a matter of time, yes?

  14. Buccaneer Says:

    Rotty,Best post ever!! So funny!
    Capo Baker with” these important words to say”
    Cue crickets… killing me.

  15. Buccaneer Says:

    Angry Mark, give us your take on Day Day it big Chopes.

  16. Buccaneer Says:

    at big Chopes.
    Fuck, just one beer and a slug of vodka.

  17. O M G !!!

  18. Fake Marks Cock Ring Says:

    YOU SHUD TALK BUCC YOU FUCKING PUSSY ABOUT BEING A PUSSY YOU NO SO MUCH ABOUT CUZ EVERYONE NOS YOU PUSSED OUT BEHIND THE MARIE CALLENDERS BECAUSE IT WAS PIE NITE AND FUCK YOU FOR TELLING EVERYONE THAT I THINK DANE REYNOLDS SUCKS AT ANYTHING BIGGER THAN 3 FOOT CALIFORNIA STREET IN SUMMER WITH SOUTH WINDS THAT PLACE SUCKS WORSE THAN YOU PUTTING NUGS TOES IN YOUR MOUTH AND SUCKING LIKE A FUCKING BABY ON NUGS TITS IF YOU THNK THAT DANE CAN’T SURF BIG TEHUPOO LIKE ICAN SO STUPID TO EVEN SAY THAT WHEN YOU NO THAT DANE IS GOING TO WIN THAT CONTEST AND IF HE DOESN’T SHOW UP ITS’ BECASUE QUIKSILVER PAYS HIM TO STAY AT HOME AND DRAW CARTOONS ON TSHIRTS BECUSE THEY NO HE WOULD WIN AND THEY DON’T LIKE SHOWING OFF LIKE FUCKING SHEAREN DOES WHEN HE TELLS BENJ THE TROLL THAT HES NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO SURF LEENOX AND I’M BEEN THERE AND BENJ IS NOT GOOD ENUF TO SURF THERE I KNOW BUT FUCK YOU SHEAREN YOU EXILED SURF SCRIBBLER SO MUCH LIKE DANES TSHIRTS THAT HE DOESNT’ HAVE TO SURF BIG WAVES IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO BECAUSE YOU FUCKING BUCCC HAVE ALREADY CORONATED THE HIPSTER NECK BEARD THE GREATEST EVER WHEN YOU DIDN’T EVEN GET MAX’S CONSUEL.

    FUCKIN CLOWN.

  19. Buccaneer Says:

    Thanx, it felt great.
    And I will be at the Jumping Bean in about a half hour.

  20. Benjamen Says:

    This makes me want to pop on The Godfather tonight. Fucking great stuff. I can picture the whole thing. Nice pic too Rusty.

    I give this a 9.9

  21. Buccaneer Says:

    9.5 and a half…no floater.

  22. USA credit rating downgraded by Standard & Poors. The media wants us to think yesterday’s record sell-off was ‘market jitters’. Get the fuck outta here. One day before our credit is downgraded for the first time in history, the markets tank? It’s a fucking con game.

    This is the ratings agency that gave AAA ratings to bonds that weren’t worth the paper they were printed on. The US economy and their proxy Congress are going to completely ruin the country for the rest of us. This is the Japanese lost decade 2.0. Bank it.

  23. Benjamen Says:

    @Max,

    I am pretty sure its not only Congress at fault……. But somehow Nick Carroll as well :-)

  24. The exchange between Stapelbore and Carroll is all time.

    9.757895478

  25. And on a comment scale Fake Marks Cock Ring is a 10.

    Heeeheheeeheheheee!!!!

  26. davo's liver Says:

    A 10? Wait till he finishes his leftover plate lunch and a 12 pack of PBR. Cheekin skin material.

  27. Loving Fake Marks CR.

    Well, it’s been a few hours and I’m still alive. I can’t beli…hgftjfdryhhj…

    *thunk*

  28. @MAX-

    To this point i’ve felt kind of bad about being suddenly out of work, and I’ll probably pull out my pathetic K next week. I’ve kept it in safe mode for the last year and i’m glad. Looks like retirement is now. Surfing is becoming a routine and i’m so stoked. Three reasons to take it now, besides the fact that i need it:

    1.) I’ve smoked two packs a day all my life, pal. Ain’t gonna be no retirement.

    2.) Started a bit too late, won;t be enough anyway, real retirement will be the day i wake up dead.

    3.) Enjoy it now before inflation eats it up later…hard to make a return when pirates are running the game.

    We all end up the same in the end….

    surf it!!!

  29. davo's liver Says:

    Read the fine print, the part about taxes and penalties. You may be suprised at what you really have coming to you.

  30. Bone an Raized Says:

    LMFAO
    Cheers big ears!

  31. Right you fuckign yankee cants, my client is VERY upset. He’s jumping up and down like a fucking kangaroo. One jump was so high he was up the the door handle of my 2nd hand Porsche 911.
    His caterpillar eyebrows have worked themselves into shapes god never intended.
    He just fuckng wrote a column about how the pressure of fame gets to these guys virtually forcing them to party and take drugs and still you defame Mr Carroll.
    So I present Mr Blasphemy Rottmouth and associates with a bill for services so far for my client:
    1 Box Kleenex Tissues: $7.99
    1 hour consultation: $20.56
    1 Six pack of Little Creatures Bright Ale: $17.00
    1 Jar Vaseline Petroleum Jelly: $7.27
    1 Chicko Roll: $3.99

  32. Bone and Raised????

  33. DL-

    Yeah, i’ve considered it…..fuck it. Start with no. 1 above…hopefully medical will cover the end. And I’ll be smiling.

  34. davo's liver Says:

    Chris – get you one of them medical maryjewhana cards, use the money from your retirement fund to start a grow room. You may starve to death but you won’t give a fuck.

  35. Nick Carroll’s Discount Lawyer – lmao!

  36. Max, isn’t ironic that the rating companies aren’t in jail?

    Think Europe trusts Moody’s or S&P?

    The biggest joke is that EVERYTHING in Wall St is an inside trade and there are no coincidences.

    You’re in a good spot to watch the carnage Max. It’s gonna be ugly over here and the generations under 30 should be coalescing the revolution or accept a declining standard of living that we enjoyed.

    Any of you who have kids, you’re handing off a disaster.

  37. Thx, Liv.

    I’ll be cool, dude.

  38. Bone an Raized Says:

    Chris, postin in regards to the post, not laughing at your financial predicament

  39. Davo-\

    I’m sort of like the guy in that cartoon charles scwab commercial (weird)

    “rancho in mexico province at 42?”

    “c’mon man”

    We all end up in the same awful position, at some point.

  40. Buccaneer Says:

    Chris is my brother from another mother.
    Except for the two packs a day thing.
    And O’side was fun today,but no Barbers Point.

  41. davo's liver Says:

    Mike – think anyone trusts Europe? You like it Greek?

  42. Fake Marks Cock Ring Says:

    FUCK YOU FLOWER CHILDREN AND ALL THAT EMPATHY CRAP YOU ALWAYS PUKE FUCKING SHITTY ASSHOLES NAMED HIPPY AND FUCK MAX I THOUGHT YOU AND I WERE BEST FRIENDS AND NOW YUR SPOWTIN FREAKIN LIBERAL LIES LIKE THERE TRU AND ALL THE LITTLE PUSSY FUCKS AGREE WHEN ALL I KNOW IS MY WRIST HURT AND I LOST OR GAVE UP MY INSURANCE AND THAT IS SO FUCKING AMERICAN TO MAKE THAT CHOICE BUT NOW I CAN’T GO TO SEE ANY DOCTOR AND MY KID CANT OR MY WIFES AND WHAT THE FUCK I’D RATHER HAVE AGENTS WHO WORKED HARD EVERY DAY HAVE OPPORTUNITIES THAN I SHOULD HAVE HEALTH CARE LIKE SOME SOCIALIST WINERS MOTHER FUCKERS WHO DON’T BELEEV IN DEMOCRACY AND AMERICAN EXCEPTIONLISM THAT IS OBVIOUSLY WHY THE MUSLIMS ATTACKED US AND HATE US FOR OUR PORN AND ALCOHOL WHICH I’M QUITTING TOMORROW AFTER THIS BAG OF WEED RUNS OUT THEN I’LL PREACH TO YOU TWISTED AND ADDICTED FUCKS THAT YOU DON’T ALL HAVE TO BE AS FUCKING WEAK AS CHRIS.

    TWO PACK TRAUZER… PFFFFFFFTTTTT…. FUCK THAT, JJ IS HALF A LOAF PINCHED WITHOUT TOILET PAPER IN A FUCKING HB STATE BEACH PARKING LOT BATHROOM WHILE THE SURF GOES OFF BUT I WOULN’T FUCKING NO BECAUSE I’M SURFING PERFECT MAX 8 FOOT PIPE WHYLE YUR BOUNCING TO SHORE HOPING TO CONNECT THE SHOREY YOU MAGGOTS.

  43. Davo… the rating companies allowed the packaging of derivatives to be sold as AAA, the weaker euro countries bought into the legitimacy that never existed.

    A paranoid mind might suggest that our banks infected the Euro with enough toxicity to ensure reserve currency status from the stronger euro.

    Remember, there are no coincidences.

    And GS could not fleece Greece, Portu, Italy, Ireland, etc without the rating.

    They should all be in jail with whoever signed the debt ceiling agreement.

    Check out KOlbermann’s call to arms. Patriot on a tipping point.

    Is Fake Mark’s Cock Ring BVB?

  44. davo's liver Says:

    Chris – actually it was 40. We should be able to struggle along here without selling the family jewels. I’m gonna get my daughter a gig with Roxy, same deal as table dancing just not quite as honest.

  45. Brew, check out Stab! Red Bull Minor threat…..

    That Tom Lanos is as trusted as Moody’s!

  46. Chris, Liver is drinking, don’t use your prescription.

    You’ll be catalogued and that info will be delivered to your insurance company.

    And know that if you ever take high blood pressure or cholestrol meds, you’ll invalidate your insurance if they ever find that you discontinued your “treatment’. Meaning a corporate addict for life.

    Liver has free health care in La union. fucking socialist. heeeheehee

  47. Who is Fake Mark? I love this fucking guy.

    Mike you’re right, it’s a goddam travesty. Everyone knows it too, but folks are too complacent. Strange, for a country so young to be so accepting of the status quo.

    As for American exceptionalism, it’s a joke. I firmly believe slavery was the beginning and the end for our country, civil rights be damned. We were founded on the principle of owning other humans; doesn’t take much imagination to extend that idea to our current economic climate. It’s the oligarchs versus the masses, and the masses are sedated by the creature comforts the media have decreed necessary.

    Fuck surfing. It’s time for revolution.

  48. Mike-

    still want to pick your brain about the flower biz in N. County.

  49. Max did you see keith olbermann’s call to arms?

    Most patriotic and ridiculousy well orated speech of our times.

    http://astranavigo08.multiply.com/journal/item/593/The_Four_Great_Hypocrises_of_the_Debt_Deal

    Powerful bro.

    Chris, you never emailed me. I’ll help.

  50. @Max…

    It’s the oligarchs versus the masses, and the masses are sedated by the creature comforts the media have decreed necessary.

    No coincidences Max that they quit teaching Civics in school.

  51. davo's liver Says:

    You’d never believe it Mike but I have a primo working in the new seguro social in La Union. My wife has socialist coverage through the ISSTE (government employee) (inutil solicitar servcio tarda eternamente – useless to solicit service it takes forever) that we’ve never used. The closest clinic is in Tecpan de Galliana which is about half way to Acapulco (3 to 4 hours). We use private care which would be considered expensive here but the cost is about 10% of what you pay in the states. It’s not to the same level in the states but you get what you pay for. We have a good family doctor that’s old school, makes house calls (he lives about 2 minutes away, rides his dirt bike over with a bag of goodies).

    A story from my doctor

    When my doctor was finished studying medical school he was sent to Chiapas to do his servico social (like an internship more or less). He was assigned to a doctor that was going to take him on his rounds to show him the ropes. They went to see a patient that had been bitten on the wrist by a snake up in the mountains and had walked down two days to get to the hospital in San Cristobol de las Casas. The doctor told him to lift the guys arm up and move it around so he does it. And the fucking arm comes off in his hand from the shoulder down. “still want to be a doctor”?

    Get a few coronas in him and he’s good for some stories that would make Brew reconsider his vocation.

  52. Hey Davo, can I lead you briefly through something?

    I pay about 32% income tax.

    10% self employment.

    8.75% on every purchase.

    Who knows how much taxes for gas?

    I carry a 3 mil insurance policy that does not cover workers comp (???)

    AND I pay for medical insurance, auto insurance and home insurance….

    Am I at 50% yet?

    I’m not scared of socialism ( health care, social safety net, uni edu), I’m scared of capitalism.

  53. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    Fake Mark Cock Ring = Mike.

  54. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    You left too many clues Mike.

    Way too many.

  55. seaman staines Says:

    Mike,

    We pay all that shit here too but you guys are winning when it comes to prices. We pay twice as much for wetsuits, cars, clothes etc and dont mention realestate

  56. davo's liver Says:

    Mike – I hear ya. I used to have the tee shirt.

    You could always bail and go to the islands, Mark can maybe hook you up with detailing cars in the car lot. His shaper can fix you up with a nice 8’6 X 24 X 4 and a half for those special days at Rubber Duckies. Spam and PBR. He knows all the right people too.

    Go back to the FMCR handle, you can get a pretty good rant on over there.

  57. solag steve Says:

    fuck mt for bringing them all here what about the fat little lawyer?

  58. Steve Shearer… I apologized for outing PBHC and that was unintentional.

    Why sully the entity that has assumed FMCR?

    Is the magic over?

  59. seaman staines Says:

    Can’t see any testing regime being implemented any time soon. not unless they want a twenty time world champ if ya know what I mean.

  60. Davo, my escape won’t be to the northern hemi.

    Seaman Shearer, our prices reflect our militaries involvement in our “business”. Dirty cheap. And the sheep are addicted to crap that they don’t need.

    You aussies need to listen to Olberman’s speach linked above. Not all America is brain dead.

    And surfers used to think for themselves, not evident at the usopen.

  61. What I find funny SS is that legit talk considers drug testing.

    But not professional production of podcasts, rules, ASP soveriegnity, continuity or planning a fucking tour that could deliver.

    Let’s concentrate on drug testing.

  62. davo's liver Says:

    So Mike, where does your wife say your escape will send you?

    Drug testing? They do drug testing for France. What do they test for? Ever heard of anyone not passing?

  63. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    I haven’t read the piece yet.

  64. she’s not stoked on sheep and reclusivity Davo… but I am getting more inclined each day.

    Sheep talk less.

    Add in better surf and enough dough to live out this beating heart…

    or hang here and struggle to acheive less.

    Not a tough choice.

  65. @davo’s liver Fucking Neco Padaratz: Steroids 2004 in France – took them for a back problem. Also he wanted bitch tits like sunny side up garcia.
    But one other surfer tested positive for a substance in 2004 too. It was never revealed who. Wanna take a fucking guess?

    The ASP said at the time that the have a zero tolerance policy for performance enhancing drugs. Guess other fucking kinds are OK?
    Yew!

  66. davo's liver Says:

    Sheep talk less but the problem is the bleeting. Women and sheep are about even there.

  67. Ashton Kutcher Says:

    Here I am escorting my 17 year old step daughter to the US Open of a lot of things that may include Surfing and after a brief walk through, she starts complainin.

    Yeah, I could be fucking supermodels or recording artists, but nO, I’m taking time out of my busy schedule to hang out with my pseudo daughter and well…. it’s personal.

    We found a quieter spot where some douchebag spray painted a giant “H” on my back as I tied my shoes and my daughter finally comes clean.

    The crowd is too young and she’s embarrassed more by being there than by me…. a first.

    My new Hurly tattoo isn’t helping much until we walk all the way back to the car through a collection of every middle school in southern california.

    “I”m too old for this and I haven’t even graduated high school. I’m not sure if I ever saw the ocean either. Why did you bring me here?”

  68. Surf blog credit ratings agency Says:

    With Brew confirming the chance of a blog default is getting stronger by the day has anyone thought about who will write the obit/love poem.

    Or can Mike recycle the last one?

  69. Ashton Kutcher Says:

    No way ST andy took steroids, that’s blasphemous rottenmouth talk.

  70. Fake Marks Cock Ring Says:

    @Surf blog credit ratings agency AT LEST WE KNEW IF TEH SITE ENDS THAT MIKE FAGGOT CAN SEND SOME FUCKING FLOWERS PFFFFFFFTTTTT…AND TO BREW AS WELL COS HE DED RABBIT WALKING. YOU FUCKING MAGGOTS DONT CARE. YOU JUST WANT TO WRITE CRAP.
    I’VE NEARLY FINISHED MY WEED.

  71. FUMBCR… sounds like a pizza restaurant but don’t trust the sauce.

  72. The Real Fake Marks Cock Ring Says:

    You are not talented enough to challenge the throne fake Fake MCR.

    I’m calmed down with 9 beers, multiple bongies and a continuous episode of diners, drive ins and dives that play on perpetual loop.

  73. Fake Marks Cock Ring Says:

    Ashton Kutcher: YOU CUNT. CARROLL’S FUCKING CHEAP LAWYER HINTED IT MUST HAVE BEEN RECREATIONAL DRUGS. DUMBASS FUCKING GRANMA FUCKER.

  74. Buccaneer Says:

    I was waiting for someone to get Mike’s little ruse.
    Clues everywhere.
    But just deny it Miquel and keep it coming.

  75. If we’re being honest with ourselves Ashton, we’d look toward a balder protagonist in this steroids speculation.

  76. davo's liver Says:

    Thank’s, I didn’t remember that that was when Neco got his pipi whacked. I shouldn’t hazzard a guess as to who the other guy was not should I?

    Well ya know that is the million dollar question. Which other kinds?

    I was reading up on the newspapers here today after being out of touch and there was quite a bit about beef having been contaminated with clembuterol, which is defined as a performance enhancing drug by FIFA (the international soccer pukes). Before I left I read about some number (that escapes me at the moment) of players on the Mexican National Team that tested positive (and said they got it from eating chicken). The FIFA whacked ‘um with some kind of suspension.

    Does anyone really think that an athlete at the level of a WCT surfer would benefit by smoking a joint and huffing a rail before their heat? So, does that really matter?

  77. Completely Fake Marks Cock Ring Says:

    @Max: THE OTHER SURFER DIDNT TEST POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS. HOW MUCH MORE OF A FUCKING HINT DO I HAVE TO GIVE YOU.

  78. What happened to trauzersnake?

  79. The Real Fake Marks Cock Ring Says:

    The jealousy is rampant.

    Bucc, keep your trap shut about Davo’s L’s perfect secret spot, can ya?

    No really, it’s that I forgot about the captial lock right about the same time I was coronated best commenter ever in a landslide over Roller.

    Laird rest his soul.

  80. Fake Seaman Staines Says:

    Max at 1100…. wakey wakey hands off snakey translates to bakey bakey…..

    Chris is busy with Chris.

    shouldn’t be long though according to his last girlfriend.

  81. Speaking for myself I’m absolute shit when I get high before surfing. Every wave looks twice as scary and I’m so fucking conscious of everyone staring at me like I’m a kook.

    Getting high is reserved for apres surf only.

  82. I’m confused. Who is who?

    I’m lazer®, Perkus Tooth, not Chas Smith, and Max. Let’s just get it all out on the table. This is too much for me to handle on a Friday night.

  83. Brah everyone just do it. My eyes are bugging out. Fess up, who’s who? I MUST KNOW

  84. Benji's men Says:

    Has anyone seen Mark, Steve S and Nick Carroll in the same room?

    Hmmmm……

  85. NEVER! I fucking knew it.

  86. I usually don’t comment this much I swear. I have…been drinking. And ruminating on the end of our once-great country.

    If my grammar slips will someone please alert me to it.

  87. You are all going to die.

  88. @mike-fakemarkcockting-hippy

    I’m givin you a 9.8 Bro. I think we all know its really a 10 but I’m knockin off .2 cause you got personal.

    Bitch.

  89. Yes, I am drunk too.

  90. If Rottmouth never wrote another word he’d still be funnier than that spindly excuse for a San Franciscan doorman. Lewis Samuels’ writing talent is more nonexistent than Chris Cote’s self respect.

  91. Good Mark is here. Mark Waipio will be FIRING tomorrow. HUGE closeouts. You should get up to the base.

  92. seaman staines Says:

    Cock ring,

    You still writing your expose on drug fucked surfers?

  93. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    I agree with your Japanese assessment Max.

  94. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    Yes, Nug has the first draft.

    I think he auctioned it off as last prize in his Ping Pong tourney.

  95. If Mike ever grows a pair and comes over I’m gonna a) kick his hippy ass and b) school him in real waves.

    Just sayin y’all.

  96. Good, MBR. Good. I sense great things about to happen down under. This is Australia’s chance to rise up and take their rightful place as the world’s next superpower.

    Doesn’t Australia do a lot of business in Asia? What’s the feeling over there?

  97. Just as long as no one comes to my island…we’s don’t care for youse outsiders none.

  98. “But one other surfer tested positive for a substance in 2004 too. It was never revealed who. Wanna take a fucking guess?”

    tiger woods?

  99. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    Max, look at the way the Aussie dollar is now being treated in the crisis.

    It has become a proxy safe haven currency.

    That says it all.

  100. @ Max

    Workin Bru. Chasing shredded windswell is less important then makin a thousand bucks right now.

    We are pretty much 30 days or so away from the first North. Time to work hard and save. And practise holding your breath underwater.

  101. Mark: Glad to hear. I’m just dreaming about 6 foot 69s with nobody out and having Neal Young cuss me out as I walk across his lawn to the lineup.

    MBCR: Know what’s funny though? Even as S&P was dropping hints to their favored traders, people STILL ran to the US T-Bills. Gold was falling and our bonds were still rock solid on a historically bad day. Is anyone here involved in the stock markets? Can I get some explanations here?

    There just seems to be no justice in the world…

  102. you guys are crazy! I could barely read this stuff. Paul Naude is about as nice a guy as you can get. I respect him cuz when someone fucks up he has the balls to take them to town.

    I have personally seen him annihilate people in his crew. I think this is good.

    Hes a good CEO, dude can surf he’s good to his peoples, what more would you want?

  103. Not to help kill my favorite surfer, for starters.

  104. picture this. Your 50+ years old and running a company. You probably think that these guys are self sufficient in most ways. they get to go out on their own and do what they will. the trips they take are so far removed from the bosses (as they should be) and the bosses can only hope that their boys, (adults) can handle the on the road stuff. (lord knows its basically rock n roll). sometimes shit happens. You cant blame the uppers for this stuff. You just cant. Im sure they tried they best they could to do what was right. Have you ever tried to tell a teenage rock star what she or he could or could not do? I doubt it. If not you should try. see what a pro athlete with a drug problem will say to you when you try and tell him what to do.

  105. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    You lost me at picture this.

  106. to drunk to type now. love u matt bransons cock ring

  107. paul didnt help kill Andy. give me a break! P N is business . hes running the biggest surf company. you guys are all idiots if you think he would have anything to do with it. them two were friends. SHIT HAPPENS .

  108. Dave Mailman Says:

    That “M” guy might have a point, about unmanageable drugged out famous people. Hendrix, Joplin, Cobain, Winehouse, and Irons. And those are only the ones that are dead. Re-hab apparently works for few and far between…

    As for France, it’s a great place to live, and we don’t have to print up t-shirts like Mike’s to remind us that the government takes all our money no matter where we live and what “system” they use to run the place (if we earn a half decent wage). Still, more than half the country (really poor and really rich people) pay little to no income tax, and get most all social services pretty much for free. My generation isn’t counting on much in the way of retirement payments, but the free drugs in the hospitals should still be flowing fine. There’s also a big debate on right now about legalizing weed. Hope that goes somewhere!

    As for the Quik Pro France 2004, I was lead to believe that there were two high profile pros popped for recreational drugs… Funny that the Brazilian athlete got banned from the sport for a year for rubbing a little cortisone cream from the pharmacy on his sore back, while the Anglos got slaps on the wrist and a meager fine (compared to their very large salaries) for using illegal drugs. I will say no more though, ’cause I wouldn’t want any of those surfing Cosa Nostra types trying to find my hideout here in the French countryside…

  109. davo's liver Says:

    Not much in the way of news there DM. Is he building up to “drop the other shoe” or what do we really have going on here? Are we slowly working into a declaration of something that anyone who’s been surfing more than a couple of years already knows about the nature of surfers and their of screen habits?

    Where’s Wardo?

  110. Benji's men Says:

    Hey Liver….

    Just left my best fan Nick a comment on his “story”…. we’ll see if ASL will pub it.

    My main point was that now that Brad is copping all the shit, is it safe for Nick to come out and re-heat the leftover story that he’s so late to?

    And who/what are these threats to Melekian? Hang up calls on his cell? Is that surf Costa Nostra standard intimidation?

    And m is defending Paul N? Wait, a pig just flew by my window!

  111. Hey Mark, get your shit together and some time off, I’m coming over soon as you do. Need me to bring you a board? Sorry, my coffin is only 8 foot long.

    Just kiddin, why are you calling me out anyway? I haven’t been to breW’s pub for a few days, what could I possibly have done?

  112. davo's liver Says:

    Mike – that’s just Mark’s way of showing he really cares. It’s a manly thing. Like semi dressed wrasslin.

    Anyone else have the webcast dealie go tits up?

  113. davo's liver Says:

    Big heat here.

  114. @ Mike

    Just remember, as you have fun at my expense, that when you fuck with the Bear too often you eventually get a big thick claw swiped across your large forehead.

    As you know Mike I can take a jab like a champ. Just don’t forget that I can throw a mean right hook too. Keep playing your cute little “fake mark” game and I will bring you to your fucking KNEES yatch. And this time I will get personal too.

  115. Personal?

    I’ve told you a hundred times, I have no aliases. And I’m not smart enough, you know that.

    Reading comprehension is failing at this blog.

    Chloe is money.

    John and Chloe will dominate the tour sooner than later.

    Conditions are deteriorating or maybe it’s the girls surfing.

  116. @M,

    I don’t think BR has ever insinuated that Paul Naude or Stapelburge or Billabong is directly responsible for Andy’s death. If you have followed his columns and comments he has always said personal accountability is the ultimate choice.

    This post clearly lays out the problem that many surf fans who have no access to “Inside Info” feel about the system. Clearly the AI situation was handled proorly. The information that was sent out after AI’s death was false and now they are starting to admit they knew he had drug problems. Paul Naude might be a nice guy to you. Nick Carroll probably thinks he is a nice guy. But most surf fans don’t know Paul Naude personally. They see how his company operates when their biggest star and one of surfings greatest athletes dies alone in a hotel room and think the shit stinks.

    Paul Naude being a nice guy and being a good surfer has nothing to do with whether he made the right decisions with the Andy situation.

    I think you just have to keep in mind that this is the perspective of us outsiders. People outside the industry.

    We see the people inside doing whatever it takes to protect THEIR image and branding……. and it enabled a destructive life to end prematurely. We fans cared more about AI than we did Paul Naude’s bottom line, and that’s just a fact. They say they did many things to try and help Andy. But they are saying these things over a half a year after he died and then they floated some bogus idea of how he died and let things string out forever.

    Tell me? If this was how Nike handled the death of Tiger Woods. Or team Walmart handled the death of one of it’s top NasCar racers etc, would you be looking at this differently?

  117. you know what I find interesting Benj…

    how many people take the death of someone they don’t know so personally.

    I was a Stevie Ray fan and was bummed when I heard the news, but it didn’t ruin my day let alone destroy me for months.

  118. I agree Mike. Some people take any death a lot harder than others, and I certainly feel for people like Max who may have known Andy personally or known friends of his. But I am more sad for his wife and kid at this point. And I hope Bruce doesn’t end up the same way.

    But I think Dave Mailman and others who compare a rock star like Janis Joplin, Hendrix and Winehouse to a top notch athlete dying are comparing apples and oranges.

    Athletes party. We know that. Athletes are adored like rock stars. We know that. But there is a reason that top notch athletes rarely die of drug-related issues while in the prime of their life.

    The surf industry fosters the party atmosphere unlike other sporting industries. And as long as they do, they will have more failures like the AI situation.

    If Billabong, Naude, Stapelbore, etc would have come out right away after Andy’s death and did the right thing: Tell the truth, admit what they knew and used it as a bench mark to address how the industry treats its athletes (including recruiting the young kids that aren’t even old enough to drink yet, legaly), then this post wouldn’t have happened IMO. They would have credibility and taken the opportunity to launch themselvess to the forefront of a new era of coporate responsibility.

    What I find funny is that we take less than a split second to rip into major corpos in the Oil or Tech Industry when they screw shit up, but we think surfing corpos are immune to the same fuck ups just because they are run by “cool dudes”.

    The wool is over your eyes if you think these “cool dudes” aren’t always looking at the bottom line. And it appears they are willing to try and sweep a life under the rug to keep the status quo.

    And the Carroll’s, Bakers, Smith’s, Reilly’s, Cotes, and Cornuelle’s of the world just jerk these guys off every step of the way.

  119. @ Mike

    Your last comment provides a startling glimpse into your soul. Or lack thereof.

    All I can say is I am thankful hat I am the kind of person that feels strong emotions.

    Im a passionate fan to the point of feeling as if I know the athlete personally. You have icewater in your vains.

    I’m going swimming at Waimea Bay right to try and remove the film of grime I feel after reading Mikes spew.

  120. Buccaneer Says:

    Oh oh Markergets feelings are hurt.
    Must be quitting time.
    And random internet tough guy threats.

  121. I think you’re misinterpretting again Mark.

    I’ve lost 8 family members in 3 years, those are the deaths I mourn each day. Mom, Dad, Grandma, dear Aunts, funny Uncles, Father in law….

    There is not one pro anything that I will mourn unless Jay Cutler gets injured the first game of the season.

    Celebrity worship is a window into your empty soul, not mine.

  122. Benjamen, find my email address and I could expound upon your point about undue influence over the “team” kids… not pretty and makes the current Bbong struggle to exonerate themselves even more tasteless.

    As for surfing and partying, in NZ I travel with the coach of an iconic ski racer. Coach has stories about the European downhill season that would make your hair stand on end.

    Not trying to one up you bro cause you hit every nail on the head. Nice job.

  123. The bars are better than the connie. If we dont ger a Dane Kely final their will be a riot.

  124. @ Max…. Jamie O credited me with one of your classic quotes on twitter.

    As you all may be aware, I’m not a fan of that medium. But upon closer inspection, JOB is a fucking stand up comedian who slays many a beast. His Masakela and Rasta rants are priceless.

    Brew’s burning the torch on both ends too…. not sure why he’s not writing comedy cause I don’t laugh that much at the movies. Well maybe “at the movies” but not because of the movies.

    He’s like Don Rickles and Boris Karloff in one. JOB is pretty much Don Rickles too.

  125. Longboard heats during semi glassy conditions?

    What is the priority here?

    Hurricane swells die fast and they should push the men’s finish for today, let the girls and herbies have tomorrow.

  126. Hey Benj,

    What’s your take on “energy” drinks being shilled to children?

  127. I’m just saying that I saw a lot of similar patterns in Andys method of operation and my own. I have struggled with alcohol and drugs my entire life. Everyone who knows and loves me have said that without those chains holding me back I could accomplish anything. Superstar.

    I have attempted to get sober 3 times in my life Mike the last being a 100 day stretch from July 2 2010 ( my birthday ) to October 8. My excuse for relapsing was stress from the economy but the bottom line was that I liked to get high. More than I wanted to be a superstar.

    That’s part of the reason I was especially devastated by the news about Andy only 3 weeks after I started drinking again. I could relate to him. I was rotting hard for that guy to break free from his demons and come back to win another title. Sober.

    A few years ago I sold a car to a member of the Irons family and was given a tiny bit of insight into the rock star lifestyle the Champ led. I fuckin loved everything about Andy Irons Mike and I’m not ashamed to say that his death reallt affected me especially with his first child on the way.

    If you want to label me as simply a celebrity worshiper then go ahead.

  128. Chris Cote…. “Alex knost is a fashion icon”

  129. Mark, I’ve failed to be sober too. That fact doesn’t make me similar to Jimi, Andy or John Belushi. Perspective my brother.

    Some distinction should be made between your personal reality and enjoying someone elses talent.

    Our societies fascination with celebrity blurs that line to the detrement of those idolizing.

    Concentrate on your reality and go get some fun waves.

  130. I can’t stand Energy drinks. They make me shake. I tried a Monster and RedBull and it made my hands shake and the crash is worse than a hang over. I honestly think they are probably worse for you than alcohol. But I am no scientist. If I had kids I wouldn’t let them drink it, but I wouldn’t let them drink soda either.

    That’s what I like about Xlater. He stays fit, doesn’t party hard, and treats surfing seriously while still seeming to have the stoke (see Cloudbreak vs. JBay debate.) He speaks well. Seems pretty smart for a pro surfer at least. He’s everything the sport could want.

    I know some alluded to him being on the Lance Armstrong “diet” earlier but until that’s proven or even given some real cred then I don’t seem to see how that would make him so unbeatable. I can see it helping your stamina, but it can’t help you pull off massive ally oops and spinning mod-coll airs that are just as good as what the kids are doing.

  131. Chris Cote… hyperbolist extrodanaire.

  132. And longboarding or pushing parapelegics into whitewash during good waves of a Prime Event is an insult to surfing.

    Just proves the surfing isn’t the main focus.

    Which we alreaDy knew about the ASP.

  133. Say what you will about Cote and I agree Mike he’s a fat bumbling mess some times but he and Masekala are way better than Egan and Parsons and Occy and Stansfield.

  134. Can we all agree that if Herbie Fletcher and Alex Knost are in a contest surfing against each other it’s not a real contest or a sport. It’s a sideshow that should be held at 4pm when it’s blown out.

  135. Kelly has dedicated himself to performance.

    He managed to avoid the marriage trap and lives very clean.

    Nice guy too.

    Benj, I was in Von’s and two 10 year olds were ahead of me in line with 3 energy drinks each… it was nearly 8 pm. They didn’t have enough money and looked behind me to their dad for the extra cash.

    I turned to see dad. Bare foot, sunburned with a full sleeve of cliched tatt’s struggling to find his wallet while we all waited. I know they were from Bakersfield, our 909, but it made me feel sad.

    Dad wasn’t dad, just an older family member with more coin. Dad had a twelve pack of Coors and several energy drinks.

    Seems like something that should be avoided for small kids, do they really need more unexpended energy?

  136. Anonymous Says:

    @Nug,

    Are you at the connie? You should do a blog post here about it as BrEW’s version of The Outsider.

    Dane against Slater would be sick.

  137. Sets are getting less frequent.

  138. right you are JJ.

    And the best commentary booth I’ve ever heard was Cote, Alex Gray and Lopez at Pipe. Informative and funny.

  139. Mike,

    Exactly. Energy Drinks remind me of the tatted up inland empire guys driving massive trucks and are into motocross and Glamis and that whole seen. Everyone trying to be all MMA hardcore and staring each other down hopped up on RockStar Drinks and taking Ritalin at the same time. Basically what’s at the US Open right now.

  140. Hey Benj,

    how was the point yesterday?

    that’s all I could think about driving home…

    And I’m so over the MMA crowd you describe so well. Everyone is a tough guy and it’s literally ruined Fuel TV.

  141. Man, my fuckin arms are about to FALL OFF!!!!!!

    Yeeewwwwww!

    Time to watch some golf and take a snooze. Ahhhhhhh.

  142. @mike

    Eff u barn. Jes sayin. Kook.

  143. Anonymous Says:

    Michael Bay’s new film “Blowing The Fuck Out Of Shit” – classic!

  144. Brazilian Pride Says:

    Kiss my ass American and Hawaiian kine! Brazilian Felipe wipe hhim ass with Kalohe, Conner and John John lips! Junior champ belongs to Felipe!! We won air reverse contest!! You all kiss Brazil ass!!

  145. Surfers Blood sucks.

  146. davo's liver Says:

    BVM – Bad Vibe Mark.

    Lighten up brah, it’s not all about you.

  147. I’m trying to watch MGMT with an open mind after the debacle that was Surfers Blood.

    I’m not seeing an inspiration to mosh, while several people try.

    Maybe Nike brought in the most sterile bands that they could. Proactive riot control.

    MGMT is fairy music with Disney producing. And what will they do when their voices change when they grow pubic hair?

    I tried.

  148. davo's liver Says:

    The first group was like a semiskilled garage band. The second, meh. I don’t get much exposure to what’s “new” but if this is it I’ll give it a pass.

  149. Benjamen Says:

    MGMT has a few good songs, but they obviously don’t translate well live. Most bands today suck live. That’s what I miss most about older music.

  150. Random dude that remembers Says:

    Nose riding contest at the US Open?
    Davos Liver and David Nuuhiwa should be there. Or all is wrong with the universe.

  151. davo's liver Says:

    David was there Mark. I gave it a miss. Thank’s for caring. Kook.

  152. davo's liver Says:

    Speaking of David, it’s a good thing he never did any of those nasty recreational drugs while he was a pro surfer.

  153. Random dude that remembers Says:

    Shit, I left out John Peck.Davo it was not a knock it is a homage to guys that were the best and you were one of them.
    Mark would not get this stuff.His only knowledge of pro surfing history starts around the 80’s.

  154. Ya know guys, I’m not ragging on everything young… my issue is that I’m bored to death with everything old and there is little to replace it.

    Like this generation is so caught up in recapturing who we were, they aren’t making a mark on their own.

    The last genre that was rad was grunge and that’s pushin 20 yrs.

    When are the new kids going to do something timeless? I’ll be waiting on it, but I’m afraid that the “glee-ification” of society is evidence of a social dumbing down.

    Reality tv instead of scripted programs. Comic book movie remakes instead of new ideas.

    Think of GaGa… so thoroughly ripping off Madonna shamelessly. My wife names songs that are so similar and without gaga, what would Rolling Stone report on?

    Eagles, U2, Bruce, Rolling Stones, etc.

    I want something new.

    Least the kids are ripping the shit out of the surf now, but that may have more to do with skateboarding. The sport surfing created now leads. Least it’s interesting.

  155. davo's liver Says:

    I only watched about 5 minutes of the noseride deal and only saw one decent wave – Alex Knost. Like the guy or not he showed buki style on the wave I saw. No leash.

  156. @ davos liver

    I don’t use aliases nearly as much as you think. That Random dude couldn’t even hold my jockstrap.

  157. Buccaneer Says:

    MIKE!!!! DON’T JUMP!!!
    There has gotta be something out there to live for.
    I know, the mens final at the US Open at late afternoon hightide Huntington Pier.
    Whew…..

  158. Yeah Bucc, why not host the finals during the best surf of the day?

    Or the contest.

    I hope it’s good tomorrow. Too many anti climatic endings in pro surfing. Part of it is just luck, some of it is poor planning.

  159. Mark, why do you wear a jock strap?

  160. It’s been a whole day and no word from Rotty. Have team Bong carried out their hit?

  161. What a fucking day. M is legend. Started @ 8 with shots of Tito vodka and ended at an HB backyard party with a punk band featuring Johny Ray from X amd the Knitter. Might write a story.

  162. Kelly is a wizard.

  163. this “prime” event has just shit all over that embarrassment they had at J-Bay last month

    i got Andino here to take out Day Day

  164. No, Kelly is a mummy. A mummified Inca priest. And if you unearth his tomb a mystic liquid will escape, afflicting you with a mysterious illness, plunging you into a deep sleep.

  165. The future is now and it doesn’t include Dane.

    Pfffftttt…..

    Back to drawing stick figures on cheap t’s..

  166. You win some, you lose some. Suck it up, toughen up. Better luck next time.

  167. Dane better get hungry, but those Q checks are pretty filling.

  168. What is it with this fucking contest, I can’t take my eyes off it?! Can’t be the colorful wetsuits, or the waves?

  169. i think it’s lakey peterson’s sweet azzzz

  170. It would have been pretty exciting if Carissa got all cut and smashed up on the pier then but paddled back out and nailed a winner on the hooter, blazing a bloody trail all through and bloody-red spray everywhere even over Lakey’s ass with an air on the shore.

  171. I wanton hear Nugs story. Anyone else?

  172. Want to hear his story. Stupid auto complete.

  173. Sorry, make that spraying blood and fire all over Lakey’s sweet azzzz!

  174. Money Question.

    Who wins a title first Andino or Florence?

    I say John John in a dramatic final at 10 foot Pipe.

  175. John john. But Chloe is proving he will be right there in any air reverse contest. If it comes down to Pipe, game over… John John won’t get beat there.

  176. I say John John in a parody of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”!

  177. Couldn’t get the podcast up and now Soundgarden is playing over the booth, not such a bad thing.

    Andino will win the first title, kid is groomed and ready.

    John J is right there and unfortunately, Pipe hasn’t been the decider that we’d all hope the season climax would be.

    If Sally and Coco end tied, do they lube up for naked wrestling?

    Yep, Nug needs to post the story of debauchery.

  178. Coco got robbed, a lip bash always trumps cutbacks.

    Plus her connection was way more solid.

  179. east of the 909 Says:

    get Sal outta there. KOOK
    he gets props for his shamelessness

  180. Ah cmon Sal ain’t so bad. He’s 10x better than the other commentators on tour. Which isn’t saying much I guess.

  181. Mark's Jock Strap Says:

    I feel so empty.

  182. davo's liver Says:

    Good heat going on here. The champ is gonna be tough to beat.

  183. davo's liver Says:

    The fuckin’ champ.

  184. I’d rather play a game than watch a game.

  185. seaman staines Says:

    Big calls on the boys to win a title. Who was the last next big thing to actually do it?

    Slater?

    That was like twenty years ago

  186. Anonymous Says:

    And that’s why he’s the champ.

    Anyone see that security guard push the Roller back as the champ was coming up the beach?

  187. Anonymous Says:

    blimp is getting skunked today

  188. Anonymous Says:

    Mike, what are your thoughts on the economy’s effects on the nuptial biz?

  189. Anonymous Says:

    anyone know when the bmx finals are on?

  190. common sensei Says:

    barton lynch = bag of farts

  191. Someone outside the USA. Says:

    Guess what?

    No-one outside the states gives a fuck about this little circus at Huntington.

  192. Pretty much like J Bay huh guy outside USA?

  193. Seaman Staines Says:

    I give a fuck.

  194. Actually, the performance level at the US Open has made JBay look boring. Which has been typical for Prime Events. Guys aren’t doing safety turns and people aren’t fawnning over Mick’s bullshit borning game.
    The waves aren’t epic or anything, but it’s been exciting.

    Dane, Kelly, Gudauskis, Chloe, John John, Conner, etc have been way more fun to watch than the bore fest in JBay.

  195. Buccaneer Says:

    Yadin, worst game plan ever.

  196. davo's liver Says:

    I hope teebs is cutting himself.

  197. Benjamen Says:

    Yadin is way better than Gabe Kling, but he looked terrible in earlier heats and seemed to always be the 2nd or 3rd best guy in each heat but maged to get through.

    And Kelly’s tube training at Tavarua is paying off to the tune of 100G’s.

  198. Benjamen Says:

    Is Yadin being possesed by Bobby Martinez?

  199. davo's liver Says:

    Yadin finally caught a wave. Ouch.

  200. heathcliff Says:

    yeah man whatever. The commentary of the us open final….. well… this is it people, it’over.

  201. Kelly does it again.

    The King.

    I want to hear Nug’s story.

  202. Buccaneer Says:

    Gots ta get down there and get my Inteliskin.

  203. Someone outside the USA. Says:

    Claiming Huntington slop over J-Bay.

    Evan Slater is chortling in his coffee and pulling quotes from here for his next Press releases.

    Hilarious.

  204. Anonymous Says:

    No one outside the states cares?

    Did you go through the roster of the main event and junior event?

    Seems like heaps of people outside the States care about this event. The cash is the biggest reason. The points are the 2nd. The crowds are 3rd.

    Waves don’t even factor in.

    And that goes for the big tour too.

  205. Someone outside the USA. Says:

    Taj has every right to feel dry reamed after his QF with kelly.

    Kelly’s first scoring wave was over-scored and his second: a clean barrell and then 2 flubbed turns was also over-scored.

  206. Someone outside the USA. Says:

    Not talking about the pros Anon, talking about the fans.

    Outside the states, there is ZERO buzz about this event.

  207. Anonymous Says:

    Right, so what’s your point?

    No one cared about J-Bay either. There was literally no talk about it. Jordy won back to back ho hum. Everyone was talking about Cloudbreak.

    All people really want is cranking waves at Teahupoo. And they want the top talent to turn up.

    People are talking about this contest right now because the top guys are here, and waves aren’t going off anywhere else stealing the thunder.

    No one is talking about this contest in your neck of the woods because they’re all busy fucking each other in the ass.

  208. Benjamen Says:

    Roller, is that you?

    Blass. You are still alive. I was beginning to worry. Do you have an armed guard walking around with you everywhere you go?

  209. Benjamen Says:

    The waves were pretty shitty for the most part (not too bad for these parts the last few days. I had some fun waves the last few mornings.)

    Other than that, it’s a Prime Event. No one cares about Prime Events except for the lcoals. This one is bigger because it’s held where all the sponsors live so it gets blown up around here. I only watched a few heats and there was definitely some exciting stuff being thrown by D Payne, Dane looking like Dane, Kelly, Taj, the young Brazzo’s, Johny Flo, Chloe etc. When those guys make average waves look interesting, then you can see why we want a tour in better waves.

    People in the states didn’t care much about J-Bay because it happens in the middle of the night, the forecast was so bleak, and because Kelly, Dane and Bobby weren’t there (the 3 best Americans)

    So that’s a given.

  210. I’ve spent more time in the water and with my kids the last few days than watching the event. I’ve had it on while in the house. Caught some heats that were good.

    It’s a nice placeholder between real events.

    But Anon is right… the care for the real tour is going to continue to dwindle if the waves don’t show and the talent treats it like the bastard child it’s devolving into.

  211. Someone outside the USA. Says:

    Benny laid it out for you Anon.

    But here’s a little fact : the world doesn’t revolve around America anymore.

    And despite the hype over some glassy little peaks, no-one outside the gloriously decaying United States of America gave a fuck.

    Now go swallow your corpo hype like an obedient little herd animal.

  212. Anonymous Says:

    Someone outside the USA,

    Why are you trying to turn this into some America vs. the World argument?

    Hurley / Nike, an American company laid down 100G for the winner of a surf contest in HB. So surfers from all over the world gave a fuck about it. Maybe you didn’t because you aren’t good enough to surf in it. But others did.

    And yes this story will be in all the big surf blogs and magazines because Kelly Slater won it and he didn’t even bother to show up in Jeffrey’s Bay.

    What are you so bitter about Non-USA guy?

    I’m not a ball licker. I just had fun watching a fun contest the last 2 days.

  213. Anonymous Says:

    You must be Australian. Aussies are so fucking insecure.

  214. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    I thought it was entertaining in spurts.

    I know Dane hates losing to Kolohe.

    That might fire him up……..

    Old Baldy. Answers his critics in the best possible way.

  215. Someone outside the USA. Says:

    “Maybe you didn’t because you aren’t good enough to surf in it. But others did.”

    Thats a winning piece of logic Mr Anon.

    Could you please be consistent with your application of it.

  216. Someone outside the USA. Says:

    And it’s your sense of misplaced exceptionalism which is causing your perception to become skewed.
    Which is my point.
    Take a look around the webs my friend….outside the states it’s barely registering.
    Sure Kelly will get a mention but no-one has been noticing up to that point.

  217. Anonymous Says:

    Misplaced exceptionalism?

    Whoa big doggy.

    My point was that no one cared about JBay either. Care to elaborate on that?

    I think Kelly is the only thing people really care about.

  218. Anonymous Says:

    And Dane.

    Sure they happen to be American.

    But how does that translate to the current gloabl mess?

  219. People have been taking notice of this blog the last few days.

    I’m not sure why.

    Getting hits from odd places…

  220. Someone outside the USA. Says:

    I didn’t mention the current American crisis Anon which you have so glibly misnamed the gloabl mess.

    Just making the point that the hype level of this conny was being a bit overblown by the mostly American commentators on this blog.

    And if you remove those nationalistic blinkers you’ll see that J-Bay, for all it’s flaws still made far more of an impact than the US open.

    It just might not have felt that way in the US.

  221. Anonymous Says:

    Excuse me Mr. Non USA, what other surf contests were going on this weekend that we should be caring more about?

  222. There is a global mess shaping up up.

  223. And I can’t wait for it…

  224. Anonymous Says:

    We were getting excited watching the best surfers in the world close to our home.

    Big fucking deal?!

  225. Someone outside the USA. Says:

    Settle Mr Anon.

    This is a globalised world and this is the World Wide Web.

    Not the American wide web.

    Now, don’t be such a sensitive little flower and accept that outside the states this contest might not have been such a big deal.
    Surely that doesn’t impact on your own experience of it?

  226. @Someone Outside The USA,

    I have reread all of the comments I missed while I was away.

    I fail to read much hyperbole about this US Open Event here. Even with Anon’s comments.

    And Twitter is full of people ripping into the contest.

    I read alot of complaining about the webcast, running longboarders and paralyzed people during the best waves, super crappy conditions earlier in the week, and contempt for the party scene (with the exception of Nug having a front row seat with M).

    People seem to be watching it around here because it’s strategic placement in the slow period of MLB, after the NBA, before Football, after the women’s World Cup, and between World Tour events… so people are watching if they have the time.

    I didn’t have the time.

    Anon seems to have had more time than the rest of us.

    But hyperbole?

    Here?

    Try again.

  227. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    There’s plenty of meat on the bone from this conny.
    Plenty to digest.
    Now, I must read the original post.
    Too many fun little waves here this weekend.

  228. Man this unemployment thing hasn’t been too bad, thus far. Talk to some people, and they’ll make it out to be the end of the world.

    @ Outside US-

    You might have some sort of valid points there. But, I mean nobody outside the US cares about Amerikan football, but its a bit of a frenzy around here. You might even get wrestled to the ground with shirt torn off your back if its the wrong color, boy.

    You got a real sassy mouth, boy. Don’t say nothin’, just take your pants off.

    SUUUUEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!

  229. Buccaneer Says:

    Yadin was outside the USA today.
    I know he wasn’t at the US Open final from what I saw on the webcast.

  230. @ Chris

    How’s it hangin you fucking dole bludging sap sucker?

  231. @Bucaneer,

    That was fucking funny! What the hell? Total Bobby Martinez move. Final score of 1.45 or something? Dave Mailman would have smoked him.

  232. @Mark-

    It’s hangin to the left. To sore and sunburned to compose a retort.

  233. The waves have been very fun this weekend. I spent the morning yesterday pushing my boy into some insiders. The stoke on his face made any worries about the economy disappear.

    The Xanax and NyQuil did the rest.

  234. @Someone Outside the US….

    I was groovin on some of your thoughts, but you exposed yourself for the Aussie you are.

    If ANY contest this year featured overwhelmingly hometown nationalistic suffocation, it was without question Bells. Almost a national holiday of obnoxious proportions. Even caught the OUtsider in some fuzzy warm haze of Oi Oi OI. Pfffttt….

    I saw none of the US ferver in hB this week. Barely saw a flag and most of the commentary was convict.

    And save us the australian immunity to the world wide financial meltdown.

    Your over valued real estate is the first domino buddy. When that bubble pops, be prepared to take advantage of the opportunity. It’s coming, but like most things Australian, you’re a decade behind.

    And remember when the Euro was more valued than the dollar? The world is interconnected and you’ll follow us down the drain.

    Not if ,Outside the US, but when?

  235. @ Chris, you need work?

  236. Buccaneer Says:

    Rotty, so your boy got more waves today than Yadin?
    Future second place at the US Open may have eleven assholes??

    Pander to the youth I guess.

  237. Guarantee my boy’s chop hop would have passed Yadin’s one point whatever total.

  238. Methampetamine fueled stranger Says:

    No one cared about this contest?

    Are you fucking kidding me.

    That right there must be close to the greatest roster of pro-surfing talent (male and female) that has ever been in the same place. Fair enough if you don’t care but man. Anyone with even a remote interest in pro surfing should have been frothing over that contest lineup – even if it was at HB. Not to mention the mid year cut and whats at stake for a lot of the guys competing. It’s a big fucking deal!

    And who wins it. THE FUCKING KING!

    After his no-show at J-Bay he just waltzes back in and wins it in a canter. Those primes are a lot harder to win than a CT event. You’ve got virtually the whole tour there plus all of the frothing next-gen and no-one got near him.

    AWESOMENESS!

  239. Evidently one arm chair warrior in Oz didn’t care. I don’t blame him because of the carnival stuff and non epic waves. But the talent was way better than the bullshit borefest in JBay.

    The WCT tour has become safety turn city.

    Hopefully Chopes will change all that.

    So far, the kids are more exciting than the old entrenched CT guys.

  240. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    I agree meth head.
    For Slater to waltz in and take that from the kids, Brazos and the cream of the crop is fucking outrageous.

  241. @Mike-

    Yes, pretty soon. And i AM going to e-mail you.

    Yadin just had the cookie crumble in the worst way…under pressure, never in that big a situation, against the king. He’ll be back.

  242. Buccaneer Says:

    I don’t know where to begin.
    The first time I get live Fuel TV on my awesome 42 inch screen for a ASPeepee event, and the Aussie becomes a human buoy, and just awwshucks himself thru the biggest moment of his life??
    Yadin seems to be an ok bloke, not that I know him but who dosed the poor wank??
    This whole affair is ripe for the better writers on this blog to have a field day.
    I bet his beanie is pretty stinky tonight.

  243. I also just figured out why stella’s go down so damn fast…they only give you 11.2 oz.

    And I was so proud of myself after saving massively by clipping coupons the other day.

  244. Yadin is a ripper who found himself not the competitor to deal with that situation.

    Kelly’s first whatever it was was sick. Yadin chose to sit out the back and Kelly cleaned up the inside. Strategy more than anything.

    And Yadin just sat, resigned to his fate. In way over his head and had no answers.

    I’m surprised he got to his feet when he did.

    But don’t call him Bobo, he did eventually take off.

    If they were at Bells and any aussie was schooling an American so thoroughly, think that there would be any empathy for Yadin?

    They’d eat him alive.

  245. Just tuned into some yankees v. redsox in extra innings. Nice cap-off to happy hr.

  246. Slater wins again but let’s face it da real story is Andino-Florence.

    The future is bright boys. Just need N Young and a couple of Hawaiian kids to get involved and the current crop is all but forgotten.

  247. Buccaneer Says:

    Chris, what if the Yankees decided to just hold their bats and not swing at any of the pitches tossed to them?
    Would that be comparable to the US Open results today?

    Yeah, surfing is a real pro sport.

  248. Buccaneer Says:

    Mark, sorry but Brazzo kids are gonna have a say in how many Hawaiin and mainland kids get into the big time, cause at least they are hungry enough to compete and not just cash checks.

  249. vspyvspy Says:

    I keep watching the heat between Mr Slater and Mr Burrows. I keep trying to convince myself that the judges got it right. But they did not. I cannot see how they did. Mr Burrow’s barrel was better and turns more critical and progressive. Mr Slater was pushed through because some bros wanted to shine his dome with their spunk? Is that why it is always so shiny? Poor poor poor Mr Burrows, that was a sandpaper rub if I ever felt it. I commiserate. Wise gentlemen of the ASP fan club, I ask you to help me out of this conundrum. My feeble mind cannot understand this sport if it sends out messages like this.

  250. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    Teebs wuz robbed.

    And he knew it.

    Even Old Baldy knew it.

    His post heat interview was a classic in self-rationalisation.

  251. @Bucc-

    What if you were a big fish in triple A (which is no longer the US credit rating, BTW) and you had rivera throwing 99 mph fastballs under your chin? Learning curve?

  252. I did not see the heat in question vspyvsy.

    But Taj has been doomed since day one to carry Kelly’s Cock Ring everywhere he goes. Judges probably just mailed it in.

    Anyone who thinks the current judging on tour is remotely consistent should be committed to a hospital.

  253. Buccaneer Says:

    Learning curve??
    Sure, but at least swing your fucking bat and at least foul one off, or die trying.

  254. Like most non Americans, I could care less if Taj got robbed in a heat at the US Open of Surfing.

  255. Yadin’s the one who got robbed. And whoever stole his brain cells deserves jail time.

  256. Buccaneer Says:

    Aussie ten commandents # 5…
    Taj always loses to Kelly and always gets robbed.

  257. Buccaneer Says:

    Maybe a Demon Girl got to Yadin.
    Ask Rusty.

  258. I think Mick gets juiced as much as anyone. Judges give him an 8 or 9 for an 6″ air reverse just because they can’t believe his board was above the lip.

  259. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    True ’nuff Bucc.

    And I could care less about Teebs also.

    But this is just something to BS about ain’t it.

  260. chris: Mariano Rivera hasn’t thrown a 99 mph fastball in his wettest dream.

    I watched the majority of the contest. Here’s my two cents:

    $0.01- Kelly Slater is the most dominant surfer of all time, without caveat. His run through the field mimicked the arc of his career, beginning with an uncanny ability to squeak barrels out of miserable conditions. His heat against Taj, controversial though it was, bespoke Slater’s unparalleled wave knowledge and comfortability.

    His equipment choices were near-perfect, the recognition of which he has developed during the past few years. Why do you think he was gliding over the flats while the rest of the field looked like they were trying to put out fires? His quad skated while the thrusters bogged. Progressive surfing’s airs and flares may well be the younger generation’s writing on the wall, but Slater wrote the goddam book. His two 360’s, one backside, were above and beyond what kids nearly two decades his younger were even attempting.

    Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Kelly’s win-at-all-costs mentality reared its shiny head at all the right times. His opening confrontation with Dusty Payne shredded the young Hawaiian’s confidence and reduced him to throwing half-hearted claims at the judges’ tower in desperation. Check. Before the final, Yadin Nicol was quietly pulling on his jersey when in strolled the champ in his black and white springsuit. You could see Yadin forcing himself not to look at Kelly, grimly determined to maintain his concentration, when Slater knocked him lightly on the shoulder and grinningly extends his hand for a pre-heat shake. Yadin immediately accepted, almost relieved to be able to acknowledge the gravity of the situation. Not ‘I love you,’ surely, but in the vicinity. Check. Then, out in the water, the poor Aussie crumbled as Kelly proceeded to rack up nearly 15 points before Nicol even got his hair wet. To call it wilting would be far too kind. Checkmate.

    $0.02- I am not enthusiastic about the future of competitive surfing. This contest highlighted the divide between mainstream acceptance and quality surf. The waves were average at best and the crowd was huge. BMX, dance-offs, and longboarding were thrown into a HB-sized blender and out spilled the new ASP prototype: the ‘surf lifestyle’ contest, replete with questionable music and nonstop marketing. I am fairly certain the average fan tuned the webcast out every time a new non-surf act came onscreen, just as I’m sure Hurley and Nike surf ad revenues are at all-time highs.

    Yes, the younger generation’s skillset was on display. And while their high-flying is undeniably impressive, the fact that an air reverse is now deemed a necessary addition to any wave ridden in a contest bodes poorly for any Tour conceived in proper waves, ie. powerful, barrelling, with off-shore winds. So while the packed beachfront oooh-ed and ahhh-ed over the aerial antics, I found it comforting that eventually a 40 year old was able to show the world (or at least a certain part of Southern California) one last time that a powerful all-around game still remains the gold standard of competitive surfing.

  261. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    Marry me.

  262. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    Kidding.

    Brilliant analysis Maxie.

  263. Buccaneer Says:

    Cock Ringer, I like Taj and the guy rips.
    I like watching him surf. He is never boring.
    But he can’t get past Kelly and the judges reinforce this all the time. much to Taj’s regret.
    It ain’t right but its the ASPunk.

    Out of any of the Aussie I’d like to see him win it all.

  264. Amen and selah to Max.

    No need to write an epilogue for thisun.

    Bravo!

  265. Buccaneer Says:

    Max, I know you think I’m an asshole and you are probaly right but well put and well said.
    Bravo.

  266. P. Tooth would have a field day with that one though…

    Glad you could muddle through it

  267. I believe Perkus’ head exploded after he read one too many comments from the thing that no longer is. May he RIP.

  268. Who watched Dane v Kolohe? I missed that heat, was it a passing-of-the-torch moment or what?

  269. Buccaneer Says:

    Passing of the dutchy maybe.
    On the left hand side of course.

  270. Chloe was in rhythm and Dane was not. Dane was having one of THOSE heats. Not many waves either.

  271. I would normally say it’s hard to make any judgements on a heat by heat basis, especially when the waves suck. But in Dane’s case you could argue there’s a trend emerging.

  272. I am not at liberty to discuss the exact comparison at this time… but someone compared Day Day to a very interesting person from an older generation. There are some startling similarities.

    Think small wave wizardry, semi-rebellious attitude, no major victories… etc.

    May have to do a blog post on it. Need more research first.

  273. I don’t think you’re an asshole

  274. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    Archy?

  275. Not that ironic or well rounded…

  276. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    John Peck?

  277. Naw. Someone closer to Nug’s generation.

  278. Duke Kahanamoku?

  279. Wait, how old is Nug?

  280. Lol. No, Nug’s gen, not Peter Bowes.

    And it’s not Fletcher. Fletch is in his own league in my opinion. Daynolds ain’t close to Fletch in terms of surfing importance… yet… probably ever…

  281. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    Mob?

    No wait,,,,,,,..////what was that cat from Windansea…..crazy cunt.

  282. Reverend Max, I would just like to thank you for that illuminating sermon. It was helpful for us choirboys.

    No, you can’t hold me.

  283. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    Eggers?

  284. Matt Bransons cock ring. Says:

    Nup?

    Game over?

    All gone beddy byes.

    Well thanks for the repartee gents.

  285. Inmate of the Social Zoo Says:

    That was an awesome rundown, Max. Lit up shit I’d been craning and peering to glimpse, scratching to grasp, just like that. Do you get paid for that kind of thing?

  286. Inmate of the Social Zoo Says:

    It’s fucking great, the Slater Saga just goes on and on. We’ll be singing his songs (I mean songs about him, not by him) to our grandkids, and they to their fucking grandkids, and on down the line. Incredible, UN-BE-LIEV-A-BLE… If I wasn’t so averse to prophetism I’d go and on here myself. Might just have a beer: here’s to Kelly Slater, fuckers!

  287. Rooster bone Says:

    Haha boys and girls. Cant sleep in a Denver hotel room and reading this epic of a thread. Desk clerk knows me too much. Bought 2 shirts yesterday one of which says Go Green ::recycle:: Drink Jameson….tahoe tommoz

  288. Rooster bone Says:

    Now playing: M Ward Magic Trick

  289. Hope this works. If not click the link. Some real shit

  290. Sorry guess it didn’t work. Here

  291. Inmate of the Social Zoo Says:

    I suppose that pic has “LOSS” written all over it?

  292. Hey Dave you gonna come to Hawaii this year?

  293. Dave Mailman Says:

    I wish brah!

  294. Just Sayin' Says:

    Derek Reily is the only one who looks like a real mob captain in the picture. The rest of the guys in the pic look like a bunch of ugly fruit cakes.

    Except for Brando.

  295. Inmate: That’s Kelly holding AI’s little boy. Guess Lyndie brought him by the contest.

    Should end up being one of the most iconic surf photos ever.

  296. At the rate things are going, baby AI will be pulling el-rollo’s on ten foot West Bowl Chopes in the 2030 (Chinese owned) Pullabong Finals against a 59 year old, 23 time World Champ Xlater – finally sending baldy not only into retirement… but directly into a convalescent center where he will be cared for by his new 18 year old Chinese Girlfriend.

  297. I had a hellava weekend. I was hammered. I’m pretty sure I called Taj Burrow a cunt. He was sitting with Parko at the bar. Parko smiled and raised his glass to mine.

    Wish you were all with me. We took over.

  298. Email me the story Nug… ya cunt… heh heh.

  299. Dave Mailman Says:

    Nug, BREW, and now Lewis… Just feelin’ a little nostalgic is all. Kind of liked the name of the website too.

    http://www.niceness.org/surf/interviews/lewis.html

  300. Dave Mailman Says:

    Funny thing. Towards the end of the article, as he’s describing his Indo tube of a lifetime, that you would have a tendancy to write off as a figment of a very creative imagination, he mentions a guy named Camel who I just read about in the latest issue of ASL. The guy is a fully legit underground charger… Kinda makes me think Lewis’ story is actually more fact than fiction. Fucking legend.

  301. That interview was the real Lewis Samuels. Nothing fake about it.

    If you ask me.

  302. Dave Mailman Says:

    “And learn how to speak Bahasa Indonesian better, hang out with my girlfriend, maybe work on a film project with my brother.” – LS

    Now I undestand. Lewis and Enoch are brothers! Epiphany central!

  303. When Kelly came out of the whitewater on his 9 in the semi the crowd erupted. It was electric. Nice to witness that in person.

  304. @DM,

    I have no brothers… though I do have many brother’s in law. Neither does Enoch… that I know if.

  305. @Lazer,

    Did you get my email?

  306. Dave Mailman Says:

    Nug,
    That must have been the same feeling I got when Cheyne pulled the alley-oop slide against Curren back in the day… HB and surf comps. Shit surf, even when it’s big, but memorable moments to be had almost every time.

  307. davo's liver Says:

    There was some good surfing going on IMO. Not enough floaters but still good surfing. I got hammered and rehammered and it was wonderful.

    I see bobo made it down to No. 48 on the hit parade, he’s gonna have to go very large in Ta Heat Tea to make the cut, I doubt New Yuck will be doing him many favors.

  308. Benjamen Says:
    August 6, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Yeah I get what your saying, because of the booze I was taking it all far too literally. I’m over the whole debate I think.

    I am for the most part an outsider too, believe me! I don’t even remember witting that shit.

  309. […] the years, I have compared The Industry’s hold over the Surf Media to La Cosa Nostra, run my rotten mouth amok against the silence of the Surf Media in the wake of Andy Irons’ death, […]

  310. […] Mac, Mark’s recent contribution, Rusty Steele’s epic Photoshop help, and my muse: Chastity, of course. The voices of real, everyday surf fans… compounded with other humorous voices in the comments by […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: