I Am Pro Surfer. Hear Me Roar!!

I am bored this evening. So in the spirit of boredom, I post a video clip. Like every other surf blog. When you have nothing to say, just find a YouTube clip and post it. Rule number one of being a writer who surfs… and even those detestable blockheaded surfers who write.

And speaking of detestable, have you ever consumed too much lactate, vanilla milkshakes, Wonder® bread, and extra-sharp, non-carotene infused, fine, well-aged Vermont cheddar cheese throughout an entire day… perhaps whilst watching your favorite boxed set of The Twilight Zone?

Have you then felt moved to take a dump approximately twelve hours later?

I have.

Assuming your stout bowels could move after such a repast, and then you peered into the throne after your extended and forced expungment, what you would see would closely resemble Damien Hobgood’s steamy, but aggressively “trying hardest” brain waves.

I speak from experience in such matters.

95 Responses to “I Am Pro Surfer. Hear Me Roar!!”

  1. Seaman Staines Says:

    Oh shit. That was take 2?

    The portuguese subtitles made more sense.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    Hey BREW if you ever get bored you can just find pictures of naked chiks and mix them with surfing clips.

    Like Runamukvisuals.

    I Haven’t personally taken a shit like that. But I can only imagine the afterbirth.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Hobgood interviews are a riot.

    You could almost count the hours between pauses as they articulate a thought.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    Don’t know much about history
    Don’t know much biology
    Have the Hobgoods ever read a Book?
    How much money has Pastor Rick took?

  5. Seaman Staines Says:

    Blas has written more coherent parts for zombies in horror movies.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    Anon, SILENCE!


    We shall have none of those rock and roll quotations here. I wrote the “Porpoise Driven Life” my son… and it was a bestseller. Surfers everywhere eating that shit up like it was fake scallops.

    I sentence you to die by the steak.

    Perferably T-Bone. (They make my goatie fill in better).

  7. Buccaneer Says:

    Brace yourselves for how big a sell-out Dylan is.

    According to little tiny burro turd on the trail to a great Baja surf spot that you hit with your traction wheel on the downhill approach and plunge off the highest cliff and still get waves because you are lucky that way.

    Damn burro turds.

  8. Pastor Slick Warren Says:

    Fucvkcockand Balls!

    I was supposed to post that last comment as…

  9. Seaman Staines Says:

    At least we should be spared the release of a twilight of their careers rap song.

  10. C’mon guys, don’t be so hard on the chap. He’s got a job ready for him in The Industry next year. The ASP is in great hands.

    Teebs already rolled his dice with them.

  11. @Bucc,

    Dylan Slater just had too big of shoes to fill. It was inevitable.

  12. Anonymous Says:

    Don’t know much about girls or riding bikes
    Don’t know if Sally Fitzgibbons is a dyke
    Don’t know if Tomilson can deep throat that mic
    But I do know Louie Samuels is a kyke

  13. What a wonderful world this would beeeeeeee…

  14. The first time I witnessed this clip was epic.

    After a few seconds, I half expected Damo’s regalement, stoned and / or drunken and plied with subtle street pharmaceuticals, to expound profoundly about that time he and Dog The Bounty Hunter ate a King Sized Snicker Bar out of Nick Cage’s asshole on the set of “Drive Anally 3D;” when Mr. Cage suddenly shifted from laughing ironically, to bawling in a fetal position, melting all the good chocolate and making Dog and Damo look like a couple of mere dude-fags.

    Thankfully, only part of that is true.

  15. angry man with a pushbroom Says:


    talk about global warming…. the warming of your globulous ass cheeks as you sit all nite on the seat of your loo…

    Lactate, vanilla milkshakes, Wonder® bread, and extra-sharp, non-carotene infused, fine, well-aged Vermont cheddar cheese…

    did you fail to mention the fifth of Maker”s Mark scotch whiskey you washed it all down with?

    Must be doing wonders for your gout, ‘eh?

  16. gamblers anon Says:

    We hear there might be a commenter here that needs our help. Please identify this person to us, we will take care of the rest.

    Thank you

  17. Dear Rottmouth. you have managed to amas a group of commenting followers whose sensibilities belly that of burro turd on trafficking trail in Baja. utube clips aside, all I know is that every time you write something someone shudders -or shits themselves with laughter or disgust. someone said that the written word is dead. that motherfucker doesn’t read. many thanks for loosing these words -and others, upon the interwebs. palabra y piedra suelta no tienen vuelta.

    now where are those job applications I was looking for?

  18. Angry man with a pushbroom Says:

    I am Rottmouth. Here me snore,

    the worldwide web to sleep.

    Even during daytime hours.


    Worldwide Readers of Rottmouth.com,
    All ten of us.

  19. @Ras,

    Muchas gracias, amigo. The written word may be dead to most surfers… but we hope to change that.

  20. @Angry Pushbroom,

    I cured my gout with Meth.

    In fact, meth cured everything for me. One helluva drug.

  21. Buccaneer Says:

    Was Hobgood pulling words out of his mouth or teeth??

    Fuck, that was painfull whatever it was.

  22. the roller Says:


    Here’s more examples of mod con creators.

    Dude who invented the paint roller. Which by the way, was fought by painter unions saying it would drastically decrease the number of hours it currently took to paint a house. Well duh, painter unionists…..

    The folks who invented shipping containers and cranes to offload ships. Which was fought by the longshore unions with their excuse being that it would then lessen the time it took to unload a ship by hand from a few day to a few hours….

    Next up? the invention and soon to be implemented in the ports, robotic unmanned cranes soon unloading ships faster and safer. More productively.

    So, under this modern day definition, is someone who paints a picture, or a guy who writes a book or screen play that may or may not become a stage play and or film a modern day creator?…

    Romanian please.

  23. the roller Says:


    Here’s the abridged version from Ras’s blog.

    By the way, Ras, it’s Chinaski. Hank B spelled it with an “i”.

    “self medicating with booze to calm anxiety works like a charm -that is until it doesn’t. and the long term effects of booze are a motherfucker. you’ve read o’l Chinasky. you oughta know”.

  24. the roller Says:

    Oh yea, before you go man hugging, thanking ras too hard, he has you pegged on his bloggie, not as an art site, or culture, music, social commentary, or surf blog.


    He’s got you up top, under the category of “Absurd”.


    Yew to the heh!

  25. As BR said yesterday.

    Western Civilization’s population is rapidly decreasing while Middle Eastern, in particular the Muslim population is exploding all around the globe.

    The philosophy of taking jobs from people so machines can do it is all fine and good until you start to run out of people.

  26. @The Roller,

    Have you ever heard of the Theater of the Absurd?

    “A theater that seeks to represent the absurdity of human existence in a meaningless universe by bizarre or fantastic means.”

    Have you ever once thought twice before making a comment?

  27. the roller Says:


    Remember, Have a take. Don’t suck.

    As to running out of people, middle easterns and North Africans are and will be the new American import.

    Bank it.

    As to this notion of “taking jobs”, truly the road to wealth passes thru the graveyard of today’s jobs…. so there’s good reasons why the US does not excel at making buggie whips anymore.

  28. @The Roller,

    “middle easterns and North Africans are and will be the new American import.”

    Sounds like you’re a big fan of slavery.

    “so there’s good reasons why the US does not excel at making buggie whips anymore.”

    What is the US good at doing anymore?

    Their education system is getting worse and worse. They are exporting more and more jobs. In fact, many are are moving their companies out completely.

    Meanwhile the debit continues on massive levels that cannot and will not sustain forever.

  29. Benjamen Says:


    Don’t worry, Taj’s take is always this:

    Suck off the corporation’s dick.

    And yes, he always sucks. And swallows.

    (quoted last night from BR himself)

  30. You guys can’t even win wars anymore.

  31. Anonymous Says:


    Everyone thought the video was of Damien Hobgood. You are all fools!

    That’s The Roller trying to prepare a comment.

  32. Buccaneer Says:

    Anon@10:36, Now that is funny!!

  33. the roller Says:

    No slavery here, mate. People emigrate to the US because they want to come here. Quite possibly because they still roll with the slavery thing elsewhere? You know, those places where they not not only force women to roll around in a Coleman sleeping bag, so suspicious of them in there, they beat them as well ’cause women might be thinking in behind those burkas. and they force female circumcision as well?….

    As to jobs, and “what the US is doing good anymore”…. US exports to the world are at all time highs. It may not be cheap toys and clothing, but US manufacturing is absolutely booming.

    And schools? Plenty people do not fail to take advantage of a good education. Others choose to do otherwise.

    And all the negativity reported?

    It sells tv ad spots. as well as newspapers.

  34. So let’s recap: The schools are falling further behind the rest of the world, there are less and less jobs for people to do there, businesses are fleeing different states and even moving entirely to other countries, and your dept is compounding at record rates while your dollar is slowly being killed off by inflation.

    Sounds like everyone’s having a blast there.

  35. You’ve embraced the horror alright.

  36. Let me ask you Roller:

    Is America more or less free than it was 10 or 15 years ago? Are those immigrants you’re depending on buying into your ideas of freedom? Or are they coming to America to spread the culture from whence they came?

    Have you read the estimates of the Muslim population explosions around the world?

    Does it worry you at all they your are depending on them to fill the gaps as the West continues to decline?

  37. DR’s interview with Jordy at STAB was nice. Most of the questions were Dane Reynolds related, which is funny. But I like the fact that Jordy seems pretty honest and fun.

    The best part was when he said his mom always did his homework for him in school.

    Oh the amount of genius on the World Tour is amazing.

    He’ll probably be CEO of O’Neill some day.

  38. @Shane-O,

    The “flaring” gimmick smacked of desperation. I figured growing up a Saffa, he’d have a war story or two. Getting stabbed with a gun to your head ain’t no picnic.

    Makes my hold-up story with the banditos seem pretty tame in hindsight.

  39. davo's liver Says:

    I think Jordy’s day on the CT will come. He’s got a well rounded game and has taken out all the major players at one time or another. He may have to wait for Mick and Parko to wane but age is on his side here. I don’t think he’s gonna be any less skilled in a couple of years, especially on heat strategy which has been his undoing. He’s gonna have to ditch the stupid fucking superman jive too.

  40. davo's liver Says:

    Brew – the flaring gimmik was classic Stab. Yeah, it sucked. They has a little game in the beginning but have evolved into the Aussie version of TrannyWorldSurf.

  41. @Davo,

    Yeah… I really thought this was going to be his year. Mathmatically, it can still happen. And I will rub that shit all up in all ya’lls grill. But you’re right. He’s definetly no Xlater, but he has time on his side and the bag of tricks to put it together in the next few years. Good management may be the only think holding him back. If he was smart and did hiw own homework in school, he would had figured out how to use his donkey cock as a tripod to help him avoid ever falling off.

    It really does depend on the ASP’s direction though too. If we’re headed for more New York style bullshit waves – then we should be preparing to crown Jadson and Simpo as our future champs.

  42. davo's liver Says:

    …had a little game. Laird I hope I’m not catching the roller.

  43. Crass Cote Says:

    Hey I resemble that remark DL! No one puts out a stinkier pile of shit than us.

    And The Roller.

  44. davo's liver Says:

    Jordy goes large in bullshit surf, he can one turn and punt with the best of them. And not just another fucking crabby air reverse either. I don’t see shitty surf venues as being a major hinderance for him.

    (looks like you done caught a dose of the roller too)

  45. I caught a case of the “typing on the phone” which is never a good thing.

    Yeah, Jordy rips the Mod Coll beachbreak slop too. But, he’s a big bloke (perhaps that is also his issue this year as The Outsider mentioned at Bells). And his aerial arsenal is being quickly matched by the Brazzo contingent. It’s his rail work that sets him apart from from the majority of the beach break warriors.

    And places like The Bay and Snapper when it’s pumping are perfect for him.

    He’s could turn a trio of crown in the next few years, or very easily become this generation’s Taj Burrow (super talented, super hyped, fun to watch – always second place).

  46. And Florida may be next. Jordy has embraced the dark side of Newport Beach. I like it. But you do not win titles living in Newport. You do have fun though. Massive sun-soaked scoops of ice cream and labia fun. And isnt that what its all about?

  47. I had a bad case of The Roller when I took my morning constitutional as well.

  48. @Nug,

    I believe Newport Beach (Cali) to be the home of the best looking women, per capita, on the planet.

    I have been many places on this earth.

    And I will fight any man, bear, shark, or Mark who defies that fact.

  49. Shane-O Says:

    Is it just me, or is Adriano De Souza, the current ratings leader with some favorable contest lining up for him, and admittedly has looked in form this year, and the story that he hurt his knee the biggest non-story right now?


    Cock Ring brought it up and I looked it up at Swellnet, but no one else has followed up.

    Is the Brazilian bias issue going to rear it’s ugly-styled head again?

  50. Shane-O Says:

    When Dane switches from tighty whities to boxers, STAB is all over it. But no one cares that the first Brazilian to be leading the world title race this late in the game may be sitting out?

    I can’t believe I am starting to get worked up about this.

    Surely I need a drink.

  51. Seaman Staines Says:


    Apparently there has been no official Adriano news released yet, the injury report was based on one of stunets mates seeing Adrianio at the Airport on his way home. He may be trying to keep it on the down low.

  52. davo's liver Says:

    No shano, you need several. And an 8ball. Careful not to catch the dengue.

    You’re right, nobody cares about Adriana. Except maybe GT.

  53. Shane-O Says:




    You mean Oakley hasn’t come out and told everyone he has torn all 20 legaments in his knee without confirming the facts first?


    Somewhere, Paul Naude is shaking his head.

  54. I concur BreW… Newps is, per capita the hottest chick scene I have ever seen.

    Hippy tagged Maggie a few this morning and even licked la conchita on the way home… sunburnt and tired, feels like ol times.

    Jordy will have a long career at or near the top and when he retires, the interviewers won’t remember Dane well. Momentary psychological hurdle, speed bump really.

  55. It’s not any structural damage Shane-O… Adriano has swelling in his leg from the Dengue shots… per Oakley press release.

    Blood tests revealed a banned substance and Oakley confirmed that Adriano loves poppy seed muffins, case closed.

  56. Shane-O Says:



    Oakley surely must be sending him straight to a hotel room along El Camino Real to “recover” alone in his hotel room before he flies back to Rio.

  57. Not the Stu that posts on Inertia Says:

    Seaman, there has been an official release. Brazilian surf mag, Fluir, pressed him about it on Wednesday: http://www.fluir.com.br/noticia/geral/mineiro_focado_em_jbay

    You’ve gotta whack the results through a translator – which may explain the silence in the English-speaking surf world – but it comes out like this: Yesterday De Souza’s doctor, Marcelo Baboghluian, said the surfer suffered ligament damage in his knee. “We examined him and can confirm that the injury is of a light degree, without clinical repercussion. He is already in training for next competition.”

    Despite the good doctor’s diagnosis Surfline is reporting that the injury will keep De Souza out of the water for between 10 days and 2 months.

    J’Bay starts in 2 weeks.

  58. Thanks for the update StuNet.

    I speak Portuguese about as well as Roller speaks English so I’ll take your word for the article.

    I’m suprised they never consulted with Doctor Owen Wright? Or Doctor Clifton Evers for that matter? Good to get second or third opinions.

    But I’ll have to take this Brazzo Doc’s advice.

  59. davo's liver Says:

    Well, at least he’ll have an excuse when he loses in the second round.

    Maybe I’ll move the pins that I stuck in the knee in my lifesize Adriana blowup voodoo doll to both of his arms. That’ll fix his game.

  60. Btw,

    Weren’t the Baboghluian’s once a formidable Mesopotamian Empire at one time?

  61. Not the Stu that posts on Inertia Says:

    You know doctors can stay for free in the G’land camp? I’ve always told Clif he should roll up his Doctor of Philosophy testamur and stay the season. Everyone knows Derrida is great for reef cuts.

  62. Benjamen Says:

    Thanks Stu.

    They just officially announced the NBA is in a lock-out. The NFL is looking at a very short season, if one happens at all.

    With the massive layovers between CT events, I’m going to be forced to become a cricket or rugby fan here soon.


  63. Seaman Staines Says:

    @ Benj,

    I suggest you follow a winning Rugby team, the All Blacks spring to mind.

  64. Seaman Staines Says:

    As for cricket, well even the Roller wouldn’t bet on the NZ team, and thats to win or lose.

  65. davo's liver Says:

    I’ve done a good bit of amateur gyno work, would they take that into consideration maybe for half price?

  66. Benjamen Says:

    The All Blacks?

    Sounds like a racist term for basketball team, heeeehee.

  67. The Roller's Agent Says:

    Hey Roller,

    You best come up with that hundy I fronted you for betting on that one Pharmo Corp that tanked days later. I gots me a big Eastman bat and a frothing Doberman. If you don’t comes up wif da cash before noon tomorrow, I gunna come ovah to your apahtment and play Barry Bonds with your teeth y’heah me?

  68. the roller Says:

    Benji, my do for an agent,

    You have have it all wrong. I never buy on margin. So, any dip in a good, profitable company’s shares is noting more than a buying opportunity.

    You know how emotions get the better of most people. It’s human nature. And cause many to make short term mistakes, and act the fool.

    So yea, I do not know of this pharma stock you speak of?

    Is it the one that’s creator/scientists came up with the medication that due to his insistence on guzzling bottle after bottle of sauce, day after day, on decades long basis, that now old Rottmouth is currently being prescribed?

    If it is, it’s money in the bank, bro.

    and you should know by now…

    to buy the dip!


  69. The NFL will resolve quickly, the NBA is doomed to a lost season, maybe more…. suicide. The NBA owners want to break the talents backs and will wait it out, the NFL owners need play as much as the talent and most importantly, NFL contracts are not guaranteed.

    Yeah Shane-O…. recover by himself in a hotel room, funny shite bro.

    Maybe Terrell Owens is holed up with Adriano in that hotel room healing each other.

  70. Hey Seaman, isn’t rooting on the All Blacks in Coolie about as healthy as wearing a Giant hat at Dodger stadium?

    We all know how aussie courts don’t prosecute assaults….

  71. the roller Says:


    It is quite apparent that you’ve avoided the valid description of the mod con Creator examples provided above.

    Good jobbie!

    Now, the sarcoization of any one person related to professional surfing , and or our sancrridelicious sarcnastic of any actual multinational surf corporation for that matter, is fun and informative, (especially when it’s yours truly brings the facts and opinions),

    But, at the end of the day, you all bloody work for corporations now don’t you?

    So tell us, which multinational corporations do YOU work for?


  72. davo's liver Says:

    “So tell us, which multinational corporations do YOU work for?”

    You first. Most of us have stated what we do/did for a living, you have been asked many times and can’t/won’t.

    You first. Wipe the jizz of your chin and tell us what your “job” is. And investing trust fund money is not a fucking job teebs.

    So what is it?

  73. the roller Says:

    Say Something shout it from the rooftops off your head

    Make it sort of mean something make me understand
    Or I’ll forget
    The people here on lifes beaches
    They wish upon the waves that hide the sand
    Let them know that life teaches you
    To build a castle in your hand
    Maybe the songs that we sing are wrong
    Maybe the dreams that we dream are gone
    Bring it on home and it won’t be long
    It’s Getting Better Man!



    even though you missed by a few days,….

    Good to see you got a surf, Mike.

    On ‘ya, bru.

  74. davo's liver Says:

    What is your job teebs?

  75. Yep, fun and warm. Even made some $.

    HB homes have dropped too….

  76. @The Roller,

    I responded to you before you wrote that comment. It may have been further up in the thread or from yesterday’s thread.

    The fact that you can’t read or comprehend, is not my issue.

  77. Teebs is a pro gambler.

    Any. Way. You. Cut. It.

  78. And the only thing he has ever created himself, is the shit that swirls down his toilet every morning.

    He spends the rest of the day gambling with other people’s money.

  79. the roller Says:

    chopped liver,

    similar to Mike,

    i work for me self, mate. and, were not you instructed by Rottmouth to either ignore everyone of my comments, or pick up your gayme?

    We’re waiting…. tick, tick tick…

    Now it is everyone else’s turn…. at the end of the day, what corporations did, or do you work for?…..

    Rottmouth? Speak up now.

    as to trust fund folks,… there is no reason to be jealous of ’em.

    Francisco d’ Anconia, a character in an Ayn Rand novel summed it up best.

    “Only the man who does not need it, is fit to inherit wealth–the man who would make his own fortune no matter where he started.

    If an heir is equal to his money, it serves him; if not, it destroys him.

    But you look on and you cry that money corrupted him.

    Did it?

    Or did he corrupt his money?

    Do not envy a worthless heir; his wealth is not yours and you would have done no better with it.

    Do not think that it should have been distributed among you; loading the world with fifty parasites instead of one, would not bring back the dead virtue which was the fortune.

    Money is a living power that dies without its root. Money will not serve the mind that cannot match it”.


  80. Has your gambling made you a fortune?

    Most gamblers I know barely squeek by. Guess they’re still waiting to pull that lever one last time and hit the jackpot.

    And they advise normal people to gamble just like them. It’s a disease.

  81. the roller Says:

    So, Rotmouth,

    Fortunately, i have neither, but, if someone chooses to slurp hard liquor, ( or drugs for that matter), for decades on end, until they end up more than slightly mental that they now need prescription drugs. Or if a person happens to have the gambling gene, who is going to stop them but themselves?

    There are no victims. Only volunteers.

    So Rotty, at the end of the day, what multinational corporation do you work for?

  82. You have neither what?

    I work for myself.

  83. davo's liver Says:

    That is an evasive answer teebs. What do you do while you are working for yourself?

    Be specific. It can’t turn out much worse for you than it already has.

    And no, I was not instructed to “either ignore everyone of your comments, or pick up my gayme”

    Are you ashamed of what you do? It seems like it to me, otherwise you would’ve answered the question by now.

    Answer the question specifically. No more beating off in the bushes. At least until you answer the question.

  84. @theroller absurdity is the modern world personified -only a few have the courage to laugh at it and see it -but not like Walt Whitman, the arrogant son of a bitch thought that he knew the pain and love over everyman, except only he knew -right. no not like that. you guys here see it – perhaps don’t refer to it in those terms but it is what it is. pork chops in paradise.

    and thanks fer tellin the write spelling for ‘ol Henry’s last name. I cain’t seem to spell write most times. but then again my 2nd language is English -the first bein espanish.

  85. No probs RAS.

    The Roller here speaks English as his 18th language.

    The language he speaks is “Wikiquote.”

  86. Followed by YouTubeian, and then Ayn Randibullshitian.

  87. Can someone pass the joint to me please????

  88. Buccaneer Says:

    Its pretty funny the dolt really believes Rotty drinks and takes all these drugs,has rabbitt ears and eleven assholes.

    Jeezus moron, he is a writer of fiction,he is making it up,its a joke,a farce, a play on words!!

    His life is not going down the drain!!



  89. @Bucco,

    But the goat fuckin’ is fo’ reals, dog.

    Speaking of which, I put up a guest post.

  90. the roller Says:

    Sorry to take the sarco out of your sails, Rotto,

    but this ain’t the mod con world of shithouse corporate comedy/acting that Tracy Morgan toils under where gays and retards are somehow immune….

    In the world of comedy you provide here, we are all fair game.

    Now, similar to every single pro surfer, what multinational corporate do you have a contract with?

  91. I don’t live in your Mod Con world Teebs. I pity the rest of the folks in your institution that do.

    I live in my own world. Creating whatever the fuck I want.

    Not gambling with other people’s money and telling them how they should spend / invest theirs.

    I may have eleven asshole, but I ain’t that pompous.

  92. the roller Says:

    Oh no, you don’t tell anyone how to roll in this here blog, now do you Rottmouth?

    Now that was the best sarco i’ve read in the thread.


  93. Melvins light playin in costa Mesa July twenty something. Tvevor Roy mutha fuckin Dunn on the bass for that one.

  94. Loved it…f—ing brilliant!

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